Anger Issues

I have had a lot of horrible doctors in my life. It took me a slew of bad doctors, painful treatments and no results before getting diagnosed with POTS Syndrome. After my experience with that I never take a doctor's word at face value. I just can't. 

My plan for this month was to do a second IUI. I was prescribed Femara, two shots of Bravelle and Estrace to grow my lining, with the reasoning that they would be starting my treatment earlier this month. I knew that because last month I needed four Bravelle shots that two wasn't going to cut it. So I questioned my nurse. And she assured me that it was going to be fine. 

Today I went in for my monitoring ultrasound. They only found one follicle measuring at 8. Nothing else. They gave me three more days of shots and told me to come back in on Friday. Issue is, I'm in a wedding this weekend and if I'm ready to ovulate by Friday I'm going to miss my chance at IUI. And I can't deal with the idea that all of this time, money and a chance at a baby is going to go to waste.

After leaving today, I remembered that my nurse had only prescribed me enough Estrace for one more day, which isn't going to cut it for a lining of only 5.1. So I had to call back in to ask them for more. Point being, I shouldn't have to be the one doing the remembering. I'm the patient. This is her job. There's a point where I shouldn't have to feel the pressure of trying to be the doctor and trying to figure everything out on my own. 

I'm sad and I'm pumped full of fertility drugs. Have any of you had to question your treatment? I know I'm the world's most awful patient, but when you're putting all of your faith and hope and money into a treatment, wouldn't you want the best care?

IUI #1 was a bust

Let the beer and sushi commence.

Most Depressing Childhood Songs of All Time

I've taken two pregnancy tests in the past four days and they've all come back negative. I went in to take the Beta test this morning and am just waiting for the official word that IUI #1 was a bust. I've already had cramps, had an obsession with Chocolate Covered Almonds with Sea Salt from Trader Joes and been a complete bitch. Then yesterday while I was driving to work the song "You've Got a Friend in Me" from Toy Story came on the radio. And I just about lost it.

I told Mr. Bee about my lamesauceness and he asked me, "Why did that song make you sad? That's not even a sad movie!" And it's not. I mean, it ends happily. They all do. All 1-however many there are. But the whole abandoning toys that love you and thinking about having kids (or not being able to have kids) that one day abandon their toys...I don't know. Clearly I'm totally crazy.

Then last night we were watching Glee and once we saw them pick up the Willy Wonka tape I just knew that they were going to play "Pure Imagination." I sat there and looked at Mr. Bee and said, "If they play that song, I'm going to bawl. In fact, I bet that they do a video montage and it's going to be 100000x worse."

Guess what non-Gleeks? They did. And I bawled. So we started on the topic of some of the saddest childhood songs of all-time. Here's what we came up with:

1. My Mother - The Chipmunks Movie
2. Baby Mine - Dumbo. Also, the Alison Krauss version is just as amazing and depressing.
3. Candle on the Water - Pete's Dragon
4. Cheer Up Charlie - Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
5. Goodbye May Seem Forever - Fox and the Hound
6. Someone's Waiting For You - The Rescuers

I know that there's more out there, but there's our list. Have any super sad songs to add to the list?

IUI - Let's hope it's #1 and done

Yesterday I had my first (and hopefully last) IUI.

We went in at 11 to bring in Mr. Bee's...um...little guys. We found out that after the cleaning that they do to get rid of the slow ones there were 32 million! Go Mr. Bee!

I went in at 1 for the IUI. They did a quick ultrasound and saw that my lining thickened up to a 6.8 and that it had a great three-ring structure. Kind of like a circus. Or a planet. They said that many women get pregnant with a lining of even less than 6.8 and that the structure is the most important part.

The actual IUI only took about a minute. I had cramping (nothing severe) which has continued on to today. I think the worst part of it all so far is the extreme anxiety I have today (which I've experienced since taking some of the meds) and the fact that I can't take Xanax. Healthy baby > feeling like a normal human being.

I'll go in on the 19th for bloodwork to see if it worked. I'm sure I'll be testing at home before then, although the Pregnyl shot causes you to have a positive HPT and OPK. I'd be lying if I said I didn't test with both of them just to get a positive result. I need a little positivity in my life! Getting through the next two weeks is not going to be a picnic.

I hate that I understand this humor

How much Metformin do you take a day?

"I grind it up, roll up a page from "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" and snort it off my OPK box."

Not feeling optimistic

I went in today to get re-checked. Only one of my follicles decided to grow (now at 18). All of the others are still small.

My lining is still really thin (went from 3-5 over the weekend). My doctor likes to see it at 8 before an IUI. They gave me Estrace to take to help thicken the lining more, and a trigger shot to give myself tomorrow to make myself ovulate. We'll go in on Wednesday for the IUI.

I'm bummed about only one egg-cellent egg and the lining issue. I really, really hope it thickens up before Wednesday. I know that most people don't get pregnant on their first IUI, but I feel like I don't even have a chance. And all of my doctor's appointments and missing work and taking meds that make me feel awful and spending so much money is all for nothing.

Mr. Bee is so supportive and always knows the right things to say. I feel so guilty that he has to go through this with me. I'm always the sick one and I wish my body just worked normally.

I know I should be thankful that we are able to afford everything so far, and that I do have one good egg. One good shot. And I am thankful. But I'm also sad that it's not better. I wish we had started TTC even sooner so we'd have a better shot at figuring things out. Ok, hormonal rant over.