Wishing and Hoping

Lots has been going on since my last post, and keeping my fingers and toes crossed to have some good news to announce soon regarding finding a new (and AMAZING) surrogate! Seriously, she is one of the sweetest people I've ever spoken to, and I'm really hoping we get to make everything official this week. I'll let everyone know, and as always, thanks for sticking by my side!

Onward and Upward

I thought it would be fitting to change the name of my blog from "Waiting for Bee" to "Onward and Upward". Not because I'm done waiting, but because it seems that we're always overcoming our hurdles and moving on to better things. Plus, I use that phrase all time time (try searching this blog, I bet it's posted at least 3 times). 

I found this quote while searching for things online and thought it to be pretty fitting:

"A sacred burden is this life ye bear: 

Look on it, lift it, bear it solemnly, 

Stand up and walk beneath it steadfastly. 

Fail not for sorrow, falter not for sin, 

But onward, upward, till the goal ye win."

Still no surrogacy prospects, so I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed that the perfect person comes into our lives soon!

Roadblocks.

It's been a few days since I got the call that we no longer had a surrogate. And the first night, I honestly felt that I was ok. I was sad, but I was ok. We'd move forward and things would be good. Now it's Thursday night, and I'm borderline devastated.

I don't understand how this could have happened. At this time our agency does not have any surrogates available. It's a small agency, so there's no telling when another one will come along, or if someone comes along that will be a good fit.

I'm not a patient person, but I wish I was. I waited to start trying to have kids until Mr. Bee was out of law school. Then I had to wait because I was so sick. When I was mostly better, I waited until we exhausted all of our infertility options. And then, we waited until we had money saved for a surrogate.

 I hate feeling sorry for myself, but I'm not always strong. I keep hitting roadblock after roadblock.

I have countless blessings in my life, and I'm trying to focus on those. I still have hope, but it's so hard to keep going.

First Surrogate is a No-Go

Well, onward and upward.

From my last post, we thought we'd found the perfect surrogate and decided to move forward. She and I had talked on the phone about our hopes for the future and she seemed like a really amazing person.

After some back-and-forth with the contract, we finally all came to an agreement, and Mr. Bee and I had our contract signed and notarized. We were so excited to move forward and have a July transfer.

Today, we received a call from the surrogate that her husband was no longer behind her, and she would not be moving forward. She wished us the best and told us she thought we'd be great parents.

I was in total shock. If I had answered the phone instead of Mr. Bee, I have no idea what I would have said. I don't get angry, I just get sad. And after the cryfest that was Mother's Day yesterday, I didn't have enough tears left to deal with this disappointment.

As for next steps, we all decided to sleep on it tonight and re-group tomorrow with our agency. I know in my heart that we'll find someone who is a perfect fit. Someone who wants to do this for altruistic reasons. And when that happens I'll be over-the-moon happy. My story isn't going to stop here.

First Surrogate Meeting

Tonight is going to be our first meeting with a surrogate. So far, all I know is that she's married with a son, and has had a twin surrogacy for a couple over a year ago. She sounds amazing and her picture made me instantly feel like she'd be someone I would want to be friends with.

I honestly have no idea how this is going to go. I know I'll ask random questions out of anxiousness and hope she doesn't think I'm a total weirdo. I know that if it doesn't go well, we will eventually find someone who is a perfect fit for us.

I didn't get much sleep last night and I'm a bit out of sorts at work today, but I'm just keeping my fingers and toes crossed right now that things will go well. All you can do is hope, right?

Movin' on up!

From last Thursday:

Today is the start of everything - we signed our contract with our surrogacy agency! The whole thing seems surreal and exciting and scary.

We met with the agency owner at Starbucks and went through all the paperwork and she answered our questions (I had a million) and we officially decided to move forward.

Right now there are two surrogates who she has waiting, and possibly a third who delivered twins via surrogacy last year and may be looking to be a surrogate again.

Looking at the pictures of people who could potentially carry your child is crazy. This person will be giving us the greatest gift at all, and someone I'll be thankful for my entire life. I hope that it's someone that Mr. Bee and I both bond well with and someone that I'll be close to. 

Then you have all the questions like:

"Do I go to the appointments?"

"How many days a week do we talk?"

"Will she like me?"

Fingers crossed that everything from here goes smoothly!

Some Days are better than Others

Some nights my heart breaks more than others. I'll be doing laundry and wish I was folding onesies. I love my life, but my life isn't complete.

Last night I had someone at a meeting complain to me about how mad she was to find out that her baby was a boy. She was so annoyed to find out that  her healthy baby wasn't the gender she wanted. And I wanted to break down right there. What I wouldn't give for a baby of either gender!

I don't want my friends to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me, but I don't know what's going to set me off, and what won't. I know that I need patience and strength to get me through this time, but all the while the inevitability of the fact that I will never carry our children comes out of nowhere and every episode leaves me feeling more hopeless and sad than I've ever been before.

I can't give up hope, and I won't give up hope. My heart is hurting but it's still beating.