Thursday, September 29, 2011

Still here

I can't believe it's been almost a month since I got bad news. September has been rough. I've spent a lot of days mad, a lot of time crying, and a lot of time thinking. And it's finally getting easier. I feel like a crazy person for admitting that I've basically been a loony, crying machine, but this blog is all about brutal honesty.

After my last post on here I finagled my way into getting the autoimmune and blood-clotting tests. $1200 later, everything came back negative. Which is great news. And also not great news because it either means it's a chromosome issue, something else, or who knows. But it could've just been bad luck, and that's better than hearing that something is horribly wrong with me and I can't have kids at all.

I went into my doctor today and we discussed moving forward with another FET cycle. We'd be changing up my protocol and doing absolutely no shots, which my poor butt is very thankful for. I'd be doing oral Estrogen and a Progesterone gel.

As badly as I want to start things going as soon as possible for a late October transfer, I am still having second thoughts. I want to make sure that I'm physically and emotionally ready for this again. I'm starting acupuncture next week and I've cut gluten back out of my diet (I have a gluten sensitivity). I spent two days last week in urgent care and the ER for my other medical issues and I've been dealing with an on-going cold, viral thing, so I want that gone before I embark on another crazy cycle.

So anyway, I'm still here.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Things are tough

First of all, I want to thank all of you for taking the time to write me on here and read my rambling. I've been really depressed about all of this, and your comments mean the world to me.

Today I had my WTF happened appointment at the clinic. My doctor sat me down and said that he and everyone else in the office were positive I would have gotten pregnant. My lining looked good, the embryos looked amazing, it was an easy transfer, and everything was perfect.

Since things didn't go well, there's a few things that he wants to check. I've never been pregnant before, so there is a chance that I have implantation failure. They will do a panel of tests to see if I have antibodies that would be killing the embryos. If this is the case, I would be put on Heparin to treat and remain on for the entire pregnancy.

There is also a chance that I have a chromosomal issue. It's a small chance, but it's still there. The way to deal with that is to run a genetic panel on me, then run a genetic panel on all of the embryos to match ones that don't have the chromosome issue and implant those.

Or, I could just be unlucky. Or it could be my underlying POTS issues and low blood pressure. There is a medical saying that when you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras. I have always been a medical zebra. In addition, Mr. Bee just started a new job, which means that even though his insurance didn't cover anything fertility-related, my insurance is even worse. I'm waiting for an estimate on getting the immune panel done, but the initial lab costs are over $3K.

I'm not going to sugar coat this - this sucks. I'm having issues seeing pregnant teens, cute families, and listening to people telling me I just need to relax, that it's God's will, to have more hope or even to get a bottle of wine and go away for the weekend. I dread opening my Google Reader and seeing pregnancy updates and cute baby photos. I know life isn't fair. I know that life is so much more unfair for other people. But this is really hard for me and for Mr. Bee. I would not wish this on anyone.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Sorry, No Good News

Beta was negative. I'll have to do a repeat beta on Tuesday, but there's really no chance at this point. I have no idea when I'll be able to afford to try again. I'll probably stop blogging on here for a bit just because there's really nothing to blog about at this point. Thanks for sticking with me and for all of the good thoughts today, I appreciate it!