An Update of Sorts

I've been putting off updating because...I have absolutely no good news.

We decided to go ahead and do another FET cycle. I started taking Estrace to help build my lining towards the end of September, with the transfer date right around Halloween. When I went in for my first lab tests, my Estrogen level was sky high (around 2,000 when it should've been around 3-400), and my lining was still craptastically thin.

We decided to up the Estrace anyway and go ahead as planned. When we went for the lining check before the transfer, my lining was still thin (only 6.5 when they were shooting for a min. of 8). We postponed the transfer a week and stayed on medication, hoping waiting for a week would help. Instead, it somehow had an opposite effect, and my lining reduced to 5.5. The transfer cycle was canceled. Crying ensued.

It hurts so badly to put so much time, money and energy into something that comes to people so easily. Mr. Bee and I went to lunch this weekend and ended up at the sushi bar next to a woman bragging that she spent almost her whole pregnancy in rehab. Really? Really?!? I hear things like that and don't understand how there is a God who gives children to people who don't care and can't care for them.

Things have been tough for both me and Mr. Bee. Insurance doesn't cover anything (not even lab tests), so every time we attempt a cycle it's like we're throwing money away.

Trying to keep my head up and find hope. The next cycle we try we're adding Viagra in hopes to get more blood flow to the uterus. Other than that, there's really not much we can do. And if it doesn't work, at least my husband should enjoy me being a love machine for an entire month. At least that's how I think Viagra works.

...sorry if you were stopping by and hoping not to read about linings or Viagra or meth addicts.

Still here

I can't believe it's been almost a month since I got bad news. September has been rough. I've spent a lot of days mad, a lot of time crying, and a lot of time thinking. And it's finally getting easier. I feel like a crazy person for admitting that I've basically been a loony, crying machine, but this blog is all about brutal honesty.

After my last post on here I finagled my way into getting the autoimmune and blood-clotting tests. $1200 later, everything came back negative. Which is great news. And also not great news because it either means it's a chromosome issue, something else, or who knows. But it could've just been bad luck, and that's better than hearing that something is horribly wrong with me and I can't have kids at all.

I went into my doctor today and we discussed moving forward with another FET cycle. We'd be changing up my protocol and doing absolutely no shots, which my poor butt is very thankful for. I'd be doing oral Estrogen and a Progesterone gel.

As badly as I want to start things going as soon as possible for a late October transfer, I am still having second thoughts. I want to make sure that I'm physically and emotionally ready for this again. I'm starting acupuncture next week and I've cut gluten back out of my diet (I have a gluten sensitivity). I spent two days last week in urgent care and the ER for my other medical issues and I've been dealing with an on-going cold, viral thing, so I want that gone before I embark on another crazy cycle.

So anyway, I'm still here.

Things are tough

First of all, I want to thank all of you for taking the time to write me on here and read my rambling. I've been really depressed about all of this, and your comments mean the world to me.

Today I had my WTF happened appointment at the clinic. My doctor sat me down and said that he and everyone else in the office were positive I would have gotten pregnant. My lining looked good, the embryos looked amazing, it was an easy transfer, and everything was perfect.

Since things didn't go well, there's a few things that he wants to check. I've never been pregnant before, so there is a chance that I have implantation failure. They will do a panel of tests to see if I have antibodies that would be killing the embryos. If this is the case, I would be put on Heparin to treat and remain on for the entire pregnancy.

There is also a chance that I have a chromosomal issue. It's a small chance, but it's still there. The way to deal with that is to run a genetic panel on me, then run a genetic panel on all of the embryos to match ones that don't have the chromosome issue and implant those.

Or, I could just be unlucky. Or it could be my underlying POTS issues and low blood pressure. There is a medical saying that when you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras. I have always been a medical zebra. In addition, Mr. Bee just started a new job, which means that even though his insurance didn't cover anything fertility-related, my insurance is even worse. I'm waiting for an estimate on getting the immune panel done, but the initial lab costs are over $3K.

I'm not going to sugar coat this - this sucks. I'm having issues seeing pregnant teens, cute families, and listening to people telling me I just need to relax, that it's God's will, to have more hope or even to get a bottle of wine and go away for the weekend. I dread opening my Google Reader and seeing pregnancy updates and cute baby photos. I know life isn't fair. I know that life is so much more unfair for other people. But this is really hard for me and for Mr. Bee. I would not wish this on anyone.

Sorry, No Good News

Beta was negative. I'll have to do a repeat beta on Tuesday, but there's really no chance at this point. I have no idea when I'll be able to afford to try again. I'll probably stop blogging on here for a bit just because there's really nothing to blog about at this point. Thanks for sticking with me and for all of the good thoughts today, I appreciate it!

The World's Lamest Roller Coaster

Here I am on the worst roller coaster ever.

So I've made it to 6dp5dt and I am sheepishly admitting that I have a problem. I can't stop taking pregnancy tests. I told myself that I would wait until this weekend. Then I took one when I went home from work yesterday - nada. And I was kind of ok with it. I knew it was the middle of the day, it was still early, and there was still a chance. That I would hold strong and not test until Friday.

I woke up this morning at 1:20am and thought, "Wow, wouldn't it be cool to get a positive and get to wake up Mr. Bee with great news?" Apparently that was another mistake, because there was still only one line.

I got back into bed and just started Googling things like "Can you still get a BFP after 6dp5dt?" and "Defective pregnancy sticks". And then I cried. I thought about how Mr. Bee's family is coming in town the weekend after I have my beta and how devastated I'll be, and that maybe they shouldn't even come. That I can't even imagine how sad the holidays will be this year. That this will be the worst birthday of my life. And how I can't imagine having to wait until we have more money saved up to go through this all over again and how I don't even know if I can get pregnant, so why even try?

I am a crazy person. I am truly nuts. Fortunately when I told my mom she immediately texted me about an 85-year-old man who just impaled himself with gardening shears and how he won't be gardening anytime soon. And I laughed because I am a sick person, and was glad that I wasn't that guy.

The funny thing is that today I am a little more hopeful than yesterday. It's a roller coaster. The kind of roller coaster that really, really sucks. I like most roller coasters so I'll compare it to the Superman ride, which I think is just the worst kind of roller coaster ever. Roller coasters should have twists and turns and upside downs and the Superman roller coaster just takes you all the way up and drops you.

I want to say I'll wait until this weekend to test again, but in all honesty, I'll probably be torturing myself again tomorrow morning.

The Longest Week of My Life

Welcome to the longest week of my life.

It's my first day back at work and off of bedrest. I thought I'd be so happy to be back at work and busy, but I can't stop worrying. I had cramping the last two days, which could either be good news, or a side effect of my Progesterone. And of course I've already been a crazy lady and tested yesterday and today - both negative. I know it's early, but I've been Googling (which is making me worry more) and there a tons of people who get positives after 3dp5dt (3 days post 5 day transfer) and 4dp5dt. Not me.

I honestly have no idea how I will make it through this week. I know that whatever is meant to be will be, but this is something that I want with all of my heart and the prospect of it not working is already so soul-crushing.

This was part of my monthly horoscope:

If you have been going through a special series of health procedures, such as physical therapy or other prescribed course of action for your heath, it is likely to end at this time, with good results! Saturn will be friendly, so chances are, you'll like the long-lasting, stable results. 


Every symptom, side effect, horoscope and random baby thing that pops hope both gives me hope and dashes it. If anyone has any great suggestions for hobbies that I can pick up this week I'd appreciate it!

Transfer Day and Baby Bees!

Today was the big day - the transfer. We ended up thawing all 20 embryos and growing them out for 2 more days (which makes them 5 day embryos). Out of the 20, 8 ended up making it, and we were thrilled. 2 of the embryos were hatching blastocysts, which means that they were already hatching out of their shell and as my doctor said, "Looking for you". Corny, but I almost cried.

I need to back up a little to tell you about how you have to drink enough to have a full bladder before the transfer. Then, the nurse came out and gave me a Valium before walking me to my RE's office to tell me about the embryos. As soon as he started telling me that some people don't feel the Valium, it hit me. I could not stop laughing and probably saying the silliest things.

We transferred two amazing looking embryos. I say amazing because that's what I was told. Truthfully, they look like little peanut amoebas, but I don't care what they look like as long as they turn into healthy babies.

They were playing some soothing music in the transfer room that eventually started turning into the Star Trek soundtrack or something like it. Everything was hilarious to me. It took everything I had not to laugh the entire time, especially since the nurse was pushing down on my full bladder the whole time. As they put the embryos in the song hit the crescendo and I had to keep thinking about other things so I didn't die laughing. We asked the RE if he planned that one.

I lay on the table for another half hour, but during that time I couldn't deal with the music and the possibility I could laugh out my babies. Fortunately Mr. Bee asked the doctor to change the music (THANK GOD). So now I'm on "princess time", laying in bed with the dogs, eating Trader Joe's Chocolate and Sea Salt Almonds and praying lots and lots. I'll have my Beta in 10 days, but honestly I'll probably take a pregnancy test at home beforehand. Thanks for sticking by me through all of this!

Overwhelmed

My transfer is in exactly one week. FETs are supposed to be so much easier than IVF because there is less stress going into things. I have not had an easy past few weeks.

Besides some major drama going on at my work (thankfully none that affected my job stability as far as I know), my last monitoring appointment was not the best. My doctor would have liked to have seen my lining at an 8. It was a 5. They put me on more Estrace along with my injections and also recommended that I go on Nitro patches to get more blood flow to my uterus. Unfortunately because of my POTS Syndrome, a Nitro patch could have made me very, very sick.

I went to another monitoring appointment on Tuesday. The nurse practitioner told me that my lining had not gotten much better at all, and that it was at about a 6. They were still looking for an 8. I met with my IVF coordinator and she talked to me about the possibility of pushing my transfer back. They could only push it back a few days, otherwise they would have to think about canceling. I was devastated.

Later that day, they called and said that the nurse practitioner had actually misread my scan and it was actually at a 6.7, meaning I was ok to proceed. I was so amazingly grateful, but so mad that I had gone through all of those emotions for no reason.

Because of my POTS Syndrome, I get dehydrated really easily and have low blood pressure. When I checked my BP the other day it was around 90/68 and my sitting pulse was around 100. I ended up in Urgent Care yesterday to get IV fluids, which hasn't left me feeling much better. Then around 5:30 this morning I got a call from my mom. She had hurt her back yesterday. Apparently later that afternoon she was in so much pain that she passed out and hit her head on the bathroom floor and also broke her ankle. My mom has never had major health problems and never broken a bone. I absolutely hate that I am not there with her right now. She has to have surgery to fix her ankle now.

The timing of everything is crappy. I've been so stressed out and so worried that all of this isn't going to work out. I have faith, and I know that God's timing is perfect and that he has an ultimate plan for all of this. That's really the only thing getting me through this week. That and my amazing friend, Juliana, who has been battling POTS, heart problems, Lyme disease, and a ton of other serious ailments and has been in such bad shape. She is my hero and I always think of her and how she makes it through every day. Seriously, my life is a cake walk when I think of her and everything she goes through.

Sorry for my long, rant-y post. I'm just scared and stressed and worried.

Water Ultrasound and Embryo Decisions

Today I had my "water ultrasound" and everything looked great! I'm so thankful! This means I don't have any uterus abnormalities that they think would cause miscarriage.

The RE also looked at my ovaries and said they look great and have no cysts, and that my lining already looked good and had a 3 ring structure (like a planet).

So from here, more shots, more ultrasounds, and the transfer on the 25th.

The biggest question we had is how to transfer. The doctor would like to thaw all 20 embryos and grow them out to 5 days (they have already grown to three days). He'd then choose the best graded embryos to transfer and freeze the rest. My worry is that they aren't going to survive the thaw, then some won't grow to 5 days, and some won't survive the re-freeze. And if this doesn't work (God forbid) I'll be left with none. And doing another fresh transfer cycle is not an option.

I don't know if anyone else has gone through this with an FET, but I'm definitely going to need to think more about it. I know that 20 embryos is a ton, which makes the thought of losing 20 even worse for me.

Thankfully everything else looks good and we're just so grateful to be where we are right now. Bring on the biggest shots I've ever seen in my life, I'm ready for anything.

Cue LMFAO.




That's right, I will be listening to this song every time I get a shot for the foreseeable future. And if this works, I will name one of my children Lil Jon.

IVF Babies - WAY Wanted

Loved this:

I've been feeling mega under the weather lately from taking Doxycycline. Like, it's worse than taking shots to the stomach. Mr. Bee is taking it too and feeling just as miserable. Oh well, just another step.

I had my first Estradiol Valerate shot the other night. Let me tell you, that was the first time I was scared of a shot. A shot that you put right in your back/butt area. With a huge needle. And even though the nurse drew a diagram, we were having huge issues figuring out where it went. So we did the normal thing and looked on YouTube, and half of the people who had posted tutorials were going through sex change operations. So we kind of followed their guidance, then I pulled my pants down, put a wooden ladle between my teeth, and Mr. Bee jammed it in. It was equally disgusting for both of us, but didn't hurt as badly as I thought it would.

Yesterday I got my stash of meds for the rest of the month and my cabinet looks like a pharmacy. Seriously. I'll have to take pictures.

I was told earlier this week that I also have to go in for a water ultrasound, or a saline sonohysterogram. It sounds less than pleasant, but then again, so does all of this. But again, worth it. Do you hear that Baby Bee? You are WAY WANTED! So, let's get this show on the road.

Baby Bee Plan is a Go

We went in for my baseline ultrasound and everything looks good for our August 25 transfer! I have to admit I'm totally overwhelmed. I have blood draws, ultrasounds, and tons of medications all mapped out for me to take this month. I have to stop exercising after next Monday (not happy about that) and just signed my life away to buy all the medication out-of-pocket (thanks insurance). It will all be worth it. I know it will.

It looks like with all of my treatments and costs that I won't be able to make my high school reunion, which I was really looking forward to. I haven't seen my family since Christmas, so I really wanted to go back, but it looks like it won't work.

Here are the meds I'll be taking:
Baby Aspirin
Estradiol Valerate Shots
Doxycyline
Medrol
Progesterone Shots

I'll have three days of bedrest after the transfer, which my doctor's office calls "Princess Time. Cringing...
My first beta test will be September 2, but the most accurate one will be on September 5th. So that's D-Day. September 5. I am just praying for an early birthday present (my bday is September 14).

It's a lot to take in and a lot of work, but I keep hoping that in three weeks I'll finally be pregnant. This will all work and we'll finally get to be parents. So if you'd keep sending good thoughts and prayers our way we'd appreciate all of them!

10 Pills Left...

10 more days of birth control pills. Just 10 more days. I've been MIA because I have absolutely nothing to report, but I'm so happy that in about 2 weeks I'll start treatments again to prep for IVF in August, and pray I get a September birthday present!

 I'm trying to stay really busy during this time, which isn't hard because Mr. Bee is taking the Bar exam next week, then we're going on a short trip to San Francisco, and then back to the doctor! Hope everyone else is doing well!

Are you there God? It's me, Future Mom of Bee

I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but every time I get my period I feel like the main character, Margaret, from the book, "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret." Of course, my version would be slightly different.

Are you there God? It's me, Future Mom of Bee. Boy am I glad to see Aunt Flo again. All of my other friends get to see her each month, but I only get to a few times a year. Thanks a lot, PCOS. Not that I'm complaining - This means I'm one step closer to having a baby in my arms. 

I finally got ahold of my nurse today, who told me I can start taking birth control pills again starting tomorrow. After a month of pills I'll go into my doctor for a baseline ultrasound. Then I'll do 2-3 weeks of Estradiol Valerate injections (twice a week). Then I'll go in around August 25th to do my frozen embryo transfer (FET). Just a month and a half. A month and a half to eat well, exercise and stay calm.

I have to say, even though I know that what is in the freezer is an embryo, I miss it. Them. All 20 of them. I fight the urge to ask the nurses how the freezer babies look. To think that these embryos have the potential to be our kids, and that they could just be 9 short months away from being babies, makes me emotional. It's probably all the extra hormones making me totally nuts.

I don't know how many updates I'll have in the meantime, but I'm really hoping that after August 25th this finally gets to turn into a pregnancy blog.  We'll see!

Good News!

I finally have some good news to share.

No, not all 40 eggs that were retrieved were fertilized. Just 32. :)

I had the hugest smile on my face when my doctor called to tell me the good news. When I've read things online about other people going through IVF, it looks like the average eggs retrieved is about 12-15. I can't believe that we had 40, and now 32 that are actually possible kids.

The plan now is to grow them until Saturday, and then re-check them to see which ones are the best. Even if only half of them made it to freezing, we'd still have 16. And that is completely amazing. I'm feeling a ton better today after a really rough night, so things are really looking up.

We also got amazing news that Mr. Bee has a 2nd interview for a job he really, really wants, and just got the call today, so our day has been filled with good news. Nothing is set in stone (on either front), but just to know we're finally going in the right direction is making life so much easier.

Things are crazy and good. We talked about how much we've been blessed. Even a week ago we had no idea that our life would be where it is today. I've been trying to trust in God's timing and path for us, and it looks like it really is always perfect.

Back From Deliverance

Well the Egg Retrieval is done! I'm home resting, watching Devil Wears Prada and snuggling with my dog. Here's my re-cap.

I woke up at 6 and started stress cleaning. Fed the dogs, jumped in the shower, and then Mr. Bee and I headed over to the RE clinic. After giving a urine sample, I went straight back into the room, which looked just like a regular gynecologist patient room but with more equipment.

I got undressed and Mr. Bee and I took a few photos of the room to show our future kids where they were made. I met the anesthesiologist and he started with the IV. They used my hand for the IV, so first they gave me a shot to numb the area. Then they put the IV in, which I didn't feel a bit. He said he was going to give me pain medication next, which is where I started getting loopy. I wouldn't have remembered anything, so my loving husband was sure to tape everything. I'll just tell you I said some amazing things about coming from the town of Deliverance, singing the song "Thriller", and telling the anesthesiologist how great the medication was and that he should do birthday parties and offer it on Groupon. Oh, and that I was Charlotte's Web. Yes, I'm a riot.

The whole procedure takes about 15 minutes. I think I woke up an hour later and was able to get dressed and start slowly heading out. I was feeling no pain. The doctor said that he removed 40 eggs. Holy crap. At least I have a good reason for being in so much pain and discomfort.

We got in the car and Mr. Bee went by the drugstore to get me a heating pad and some pain medication, and then took me through the drive through for McDonalds breakfast. If I haven't sang Mr. Bee's praises enough, here is some more. He is an amazing husband, a total trooper, and my favorite person ever. And he gets me fast food breakfast.

So now I have to get used to waiting. I'll find out tomorrow how many of the eggs were good and how many were fertilized. I'm hoping they say, "All of them!" and we decide to have all 40 children. Give the Duggar's a run for their money. Then I'll wait another cycle until I can do the transfer in August. Then wait to see if they stick. There's going to be a lot of waiting for this impatient person. I still regret naming my blog "Waiting for Bee". That was a mistake on my part, but there's no going back, and I'm just going to have to figure out some hobbies in the meantime so I don't drive myself nuts.

I am pretty out of it, so I hope that this post makes sense. If not, just another memento from the journey.

Now I lay me down to sleep...

I am really scared of anesthesia. Even plain-ole' run of the mill anesthesia.  Tomorrow, I'm getting Michael Jackson anesthesia. So, since my only reference for this particular anesthesia is Michael Jackson, I thought it prudent to lay out a few specific guidelines.

As such, here are my last wishes:

1. I demand a moon bounce. No one can ever be sad at a party (or funeral) that has a moon bounce. Unless they somehow manage to fall out of it.

2. I would like a snow cone machine. No one can be sad with a snow cone in their hand.

3. Sunflowers, lots of sunflowers.

4. Play the Alison Krauss version of "I'll Fly Away".

5. Play Queen's, "Another One Bites the Dust".

6. If I magically reanimate as a vampire, I want all the stuff I gave away back.

7. if I magically reanimate as a zombie, run.

Mosh pits are optional.

Random Thoughts

Tomorrow is my egg retrieval (ET). I'll go in tomorrow morning, and 15-20 minutes later they'll have all of my hopeful potential babies. It's weird how I've even gotten attached to these eggs. I know it must be the extra hormones, but the thought that they could eventually become the children I've thought about my whole life makes me emotional.

Mr. Bee and I were talking about what we would like to do if there are more embryos created than children we would like to have. I'd love to have 2-3 children. Honestly right now I'm hoping that I can just get pregnant with one.

There are a few choices you have with frozen embryos. Keep them frozen, donate them to science, have them destroyed, or donate them to other couples. Mr. Bee told me that he'd like to donate them to other couples who can't have their own children. I think this is incredibly selfless of him. I don't know that I'm on board with it. As much as I would love to help anyone else who is struggling with IF, I don't know that I could deal with the thought of someone else raising "our" children. Would they be taken care of? Would they want to know who we are and why we would give them away? I honestly don't know that I could deal with the thought of not having all of my children with me.

The other issue is that I have medical problems that I'm sure other people would not want passed down to their kids, so it probably isn't even an option. I am more in favor of donating to science. This is one of those things that you don't think you'll even need to have a conversation about, but somehow pops up in your life.

As I said before, I'm just hoping for one at this point and to have all of hard work pay off with a healthy child. I'm just curious what other people think about this (if anything).

As always, thank you for the nice notes and thoughts. I created this blog to document what I'm going through in case anyone else has to go through something similar, and to remember what I've been through once I get to where I'm going. So lots of love to you all! Hopefully I'll have good news to report about future Bee Babies in a few days.

Update: Unexpected IVF

Just wanted to follow-up after my post yesterday. If you didn't read it, I went in for my u/s on Thursday and had 4 mature follicles. On Sunday, I had over 20 mature and 50 total. My doctor doesn't know what happened, since he dropped me down to half my dose after my Thursday appointment. 

After a lot of discussion we are going through IVF, and I'll do an egg retrieval on Wednesday. I am at high risk for OHSS so I'm downing electrolytes and whey protein shakes. Yum. At this point they don't see any fluid leaking, but it is something they are very concerned about.

I am really scared and we did not have the savings going into it, but we're making it work. I won't be able to do a transfer because my ovaries are in not so great shape, and I'll have to wait until at least August, which is a bummer. My first priority is avoiding any complications and staying healthy for a healthy (hopeful) pregnancy. 

I was curious to find out how they do the egg retrieval and did manage to laugh when they said they use Propofol, as I somehow relate that to being "Michael Jackson-happy". Hopefully everything will go smoothly and I'll be back on my feet on Thursday.

Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes. This is a scary journey and for some reason I can't seem to ever take the easiest route in life. 

Blind Sided

I went into the RE today as a follow up from my ultrasound on Thursday. Previously, I had 3 follicles at 13 and a bunch of little ones. They reduced my dose of Bravelle and I took my last shot yesterday. 

Today I went in and had 15 mature follicles and a ton of small follicles. My ovaries are the size of grapefruits (which explains my intense discomfort). They took blood work and told me my options are canceling, doing a follicular reduction under anesthesia and then IUI, or converting to IVF. I've done two Clomid cycles, one IUI, and had to cancel my IUI last month due to no follicular growth.

I was speechless, I broke down and cried. I was not expecting this. They had told me on Thursday everything was looking perfect and now this. Money is definitely playing a role, as well as my health (I have POTS Syndrome and this is taking a toll on me).

**Later**

After thinking about this for a while longer I'm still blind sided, but this is much more positive than not being able to create follicles. I went back in to the doctor an hour after so that they could give me a shot to stop me from ovulating tonight. I'll go back to the doctor tomorrow so he can look at my ultrasounds and let me know the costs for IVF. They said that with the amount of eggs that follicle reduction probably won't be possible. With IVF it will be better than doing it from the beginning because we've already gotten to the mature follicle phase, so it won't be AS expensive. But still not cheap at all.

We are scared but going into this open-minded. This was definitely an unexpected Father's Day surprise on a day that we are hoping to make my husband a father. I'll update tomorrow with what we decide. If anyone has experience with IVF I'd love to talk to you.

CD 9 Ultrasound

I went in for my CD 9 ultrasound and everything looks good! I was so worried because the last cycle we had to cancel due to lack of follicle growth, but it looks like everything is going according to plan. I have a ton of follicles but 3 dominant follicles (at about 13).  I'll lower my dose of Bravelle and keep doing injections until my next ultrasound appointment. Hopefully we'll have a date for our next IUI soon!

My lining this cycle is only at a 5 right now, but they said it has a good three layer structure. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I'm really hoping that this is our cycle. Spooky horoscope plus good doctor's appointment will hopefully equal baby for us.

So this is kind of embarrassing, but if you're on any of TheBump.com message boards, you know about Cheri 22. She's a psychic who predicts your baby's birth month, gender and personality. I got a reading from her in December. Here it is:

They are showing you guys having a GIRL and they relate her to MARCH so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in. They show her followed by another girl and then a boy.

They are showing her being born in the wee hours of the morning, being in the low 7lb range to high 6's., They show her birth being "excitable". so going to say that the interpretation is that your labor is going to be a bit faster than your expecting (natural birth) and that there are a few people in the room with you during her birth. I have a feeling that your partner is in the room, and someone filming the birth? Not sure if you were thinking of doing that, but they do show someone holding the video camera in that 'area" and filming her birth. (they show this to be a woman and would be linking her to your side of the family/friends).

When it comes to your daughter, is someone who is always laid back> tends to be a bit more quiet while she thinks. Shes always going to love to be around people and just enjoys company. Really does not want to do things on her own and its not because she cant be independent, but because its more "fun" with someone else.

Someone who loves texture and taste. Not a huge appetite, but really does love sampling things, so is often testing things as they are being made. Loves spices and is often excited about trying new recipes out (Think epicure type spices).

You will find her to usually have her hair long.. is really eager to have her hair/nails done and is definitely a girly girl at heart. Loves pinks and anything in that shade family and is going to be the type to really love makeup when you finally allow her to wear some.

Shes someone who is good with applying make up, always teaching others how to put it on.. Always good about reading magazines and learning tricks of the trade. This even goes with magazines that help you organize your rooms/house better. Shes someone who is not big on clutter and is often rearranging peoples bedrooms (her friends) and actually having fun with it.

You and your daughter have a very close relationship.

When it comes to marriage, I am seeing her closer to 22. They will have two boys of their own.

When ti comes to career paths, they show her working in an office type setting and actually having a few "business" that she does out of the home on a more hobby/part time basis.

I know that this can't be accurate because there is NO WAY I would let someone video the birth, especially not the graphic parts like she is saying. But I would definitely love having a March baby. My mom and grandma were both born on March 3, Mr. Bee is March 5 and my sister is March 31. It's a great month to be born, so let's have this work please!

CD1 - Starting Over

So today is CD1 for me. When I was in last week the nurse gave me the option of either taking Provera, or getting a Progesterone shot in the butt. The Pros and Cons:

Provera
Pro: It's a pill that you swallow.
Con: You take 10 of them, then wait another 5-6 days until you get your period. Teenage-style acne.

Progesterone
Pro: You get your period within 5-10 days after the shot. No pills to forget.
Con: You get a shot in your butt. Your butt is really sore for 2+ days. Did I mention you get a shot in your butt?

So I took the shot like a champ. If I had known that I could get a shot this whole time I would've never ever taken the Provera. It feels like such a waste of time. So now we're starting over. I've been trying to work out a bit more and eat healthier. And by eat healthier, I mean eating Chipotle. Long story short, I am obsessed with Chipotle burrito bowls and believe that they helped to cure me from POTS Syndrome. I ate them before my wedding and lost a bunch of weight while still being healthy. Chipotle is like the Fountain of Wellness for me. Plus they're so yummy. So when I went back to California for a wedding last weekend, I bought 10 to bring home and freeze. I swear that I'll get pregnant this cycle because of this.

Also, I got this as my monthly horoscope. And I am putting all of my eggs in this basket:

Also, if you have been trying for a pregnancy, only to be disappointed, the move of Saturn to direct on June 12 should give you reason for hope. If you are seeing a fertility specialist, plan your next try after June 12, but prior to August. Mercury will be retrograde ALL month in August, so you won't want to have expensive treatments then. 



Really?!?! I know I'm not the most rational person in the world right now, but I'll take that. I'm planning on being positive and rocking this cycle.

IUI Canceled

Just got back from my appointment - there was no follicular growth. We had the choice of either doing more Bravelle shots (we just did 4) or canceling and taking a Progesterone shot and trying again next cycle. Hope I'll get my period in the next few days and can start over. I'm so bummed and am now going to a wedding where everyone will ask me when I'm planning on having kids and I'll see my best friend who is 7 months pregnant. I know it'll be really tough. Just hoping to get through all of this. I still have faith, but this is hard.

Anger Issues

I have had a lot of horrible doctors in my life. It took me a slew of bad doctors, painful treatments and no results before getting diagnosed with POTS Syndrome. After my experience with that I never take a doctor's word at face value. I just can't. 

My plan for this month was to do a second IUI. I was prescribed Femara, two shots of Bravelle and Estrace to grow my lining, with the reasoning that they would be starting my treatment earlier this month. I knew that because last month I needed four Bravelle shots that two wasn't going to cut it. So I questioned my nurse. And she assured me that it was going to be fine. 

Today I went in for my monitoring ultrasound. They only found one follicle measuring at 8. Nothing else. They gave me three more days of shots and told me to come back in on Friday. Issue is, I'm in a wedding this weekend and if I'm ready to ovulate by Friday I'm going to miss my chance at IUI. And I can't deal with the idea that all of this time, money and a chance at a baby is going to go to waste.

After leaving today, I remembered that my nurse had only prescribed me enough Estrace for one more day, which isn't going to cut it for a lining of only 5.1. So I had to call back in to ask them for more. Point being, I shouldn't have to be the one doing the remembering. I'm the patient. This is her job. There's a point where I shouldn't have to feel the pressure of trying to be the doctor and trying to figure everything out on my own. 

I'm sad and I'm pumped full of fertility drugs. Have any of you had to question your treatment? I know I'm the world's most awful patient, but when you're putting all of your faith and hope and money into a treatment, wouldn't you want the best care?

IUI #1 was a bust

Let the beer and sushi commence.

Most Depressing Childhood Songs of All Time

I've taken two pregnancy tests in the past four days and they've all come back negative. I went in to take the Beta test this morning and am just waiting for the official word that IUI #1 was a bust. I've already had cramps, had an obsession with Chocolate Covered Almonds with Sea Salt from Trader Joes and been a complete bitch. Then yesterday while I was driving to work the song "You've Got a Friend in Me" from Toy Story came on the radio. And I just about lost it.

I told Mr. Bee about my lamesauceness and he asked me, "Why did that song make you sad? That's not even a sad movie!" And it's not. I mean, it ends happily. They all do. All 1-however many there are. But the whole abandoning toys that love you and thinking about having kids (or not being able to have kids) that one day abandon their toys...I don't know. Clearly I'm totally crazy.

Then last night we were watching Glee and once we saw them pick up the Willy Wonka tape I just knew that they were going to play "Pure Imagination." I sat there and looked at Mr. Bee and said, "If they play that song, I'm going to bawl. In fact, I bet that they do a video montage and it's going to be 100000x worse."

Guess what non-Gleeks? They did. And I bawled. So we started on the topic of some of the saddest childhood songs of all-time. Here's what we came up with:

1. My Mother - The Chipmunks Movie
2. Baby Mine - Dumbo. Also, the Alison Krauss version is just as amazing and depressing.
3. Candle on the Water - Pete's Dragon
4. Cheer Up Charlie - Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
5. Goodbye May Seem Forever - Fox and the Hound
6. Someone's Waiting For You - The Rescuers

I know that there's more out there, but there's our list. Have any super sad songs to add to the list?

IUI - Let's hope it's #1 and done

Yesterday I had my first (and hopefully last) IUI.

We went in at 11 to bring in Mr. Bee's...um...little guys. We found out that after the cleaning that they do to get rid of the slow ones there were 32 million! Go Mr. Bee!

I went in at 1 for the IUI. They did a quick ultrasound and saw that my lining thickened up to a 6.8 and that it had a great three-ring structure. Kind of like a circus. Or a planet. They said that many women get pregnant with a lining of even less than 6.8 and that the structure is the most important part.

The actual IUI only took about a minute. I had cramping (nothing severe) which has continued on to today. I think the worst part of it all so far is the extreme anxiety I have today (which I've experienced since taking some of the meds) and the fact that I can't take Xanax. Healthy baby > feeling like a normal human being.

I'll go in on the 19th for bloodwork to see if it worked. I'm sure I'll be testing at home before then, although the Pregnyl shot causes you to have a positive HPT and OPK. I'd be lying if I said I didn't test with both of them just to get a positive result. I need a little positivity in my life! Getting through the next two weeks is not going to be a picnic.

I hate that I understand this humor

How much Metformin do you take a day?

"I grind it up, roll up a page from "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" and snort it off my OPK box."

Not feeling optimistic

I went in today to get re-checked. Only one of my follicles decided to grow (now at 18). All of the others are still small.

My lining is still really thin (went from 3-5 over the weekend). My doctor likes to see it at 8 before an IUI. They gave me Estrace to take to help thicken the lining more, and a trigger shot to give myself tomorrow to make myself ovulate. We'll go in on Wednesday for the IUI.

I'm bummed about only one egg-cellent egg and the lining issue. I really, really hope it thickens up before Wednesday. I know that most people don't get pregnant on their first IUI, but I feel like I don't even have a chance. And all of my doctor's appointments and missing work and taking meds that make me feel awful and spending so much money is all for nothing.

Mr. Bee is so supportive and always knows the right things to say. I feel so guilty that he has to go through this with me. I'm always the sick one and I wish my body just worked normally.

I know I should be thankful that we are able to afford everything so far, and that I do have one good egg. One good shot. And I am thankful. But I'm also sad that it's not better. I wish we had started TTC even sooner so we'd have a better shot at figuring things out. Ok, hormonal rant over.

Grow Eggs, Grow!

I was really hoping I'd have my IUI done by tomorrow, but it's not looking that way. I went in to the doctor today to have my ultrasound done. My lining is still really thin, so they gave me an Estradiol patch to wear for the next 3 days (Vivelle).

My little eggs are definitely growing, but not as much as they should be. I'll have three more days of Bravelle shots to make them more egg-cellent. The doctor did see that I have dominant follicles in both ovaries, so it looks like I'll ovulate on both sides. That ups my chances of twins, and hopefully at least gives me a better chance.

The money factor with all of this is killer. We weren't anticipating the extra medicine or ultrasound, and on top of everything it's just a lot. Not to mention I am a huge bundle of emotions. I either want to cry or kill someone. I've been praying for patience daily. Everyone around me is probably doing the same.

So I'll have more shots, hopefully even more egg-cellent eggs, hopefully a kick-ass lining, and in the end, a Baby Bee. Thanks for all of your amazing comments and prayers, they are definitely appreciated!

My first (and hopefully last) shot

Last night Mr. Bee gave me my first (and hopefully last ever) shot of Bravelle. In my stomach. And I didn't die.

I honestly don't know how all you ladies are able to give yourself shots daily.

Now I'm just waiting until I get a positive OPK and then I'll make the call to my doctor to go in for IUI. My life is filled with so many abbreviations these days!

Decision Time

I was going to add a picture of a Thanksgiving turkey and a turkey baster, but I'd hate if future Baby Bee didn't have a sense of humor and didn't appreciate my reference.

Yes, I'm going in for IUI next week. I'm prepping by taking 5 mg of Femara and giving myself a shot of Bravelle. In my stomach. Ok, Mr. Bee might end up being the one giving me the shot in the stomach. But either way, it's going down next week.

I know that IUI isn't 100%. Or 50%. Or even 30%. But I'm really praying that this is it. It's so hard to justify going through all of the emotions and hormones and financial costs without even being 30% sure something will work. But I'm putting my faith in the hands of God and the doctor and hoping for a baby. No, this isn't the most romantic approach, but in the long run, does it really matter?

OH - I forgot to mention the other good news - all of my cysts are gone! At my last ultrasound they checked and the cysts in my ovaries and the large one are all gone. Could not believe it. 

So lots of good news, lots of decisions made. And then two more weeks of waiting to see if it works. I guess that's why this blog is called "Waiting for Bee" and not "Bee is Here" or "Bee NOW". I'd be ok with having to change it though. 

More waiting and whining

Yesterday was a bad day for me.

It started out when I hit a bird with my car while I was driving to work. I've never killed a thing in my life. I was a vegetarian for 13 years. I live at altitude, so birds actually fly really low here. It was just my luck (and the bird's) that it collided with my windshield. I freaked out and then cried for about 20 minutes at work. I didn't see it in the road after so I'm praying that it was just stunned and it's ok. God only knows I don't need a ghost bird being all invisible and pecking my head all day. 

I've been trying to get in touch with someone at my RE's office for 3 days now to figure out costs and treatment. I knew I was going on Femara, but didn't know what the injectable was. Someone called me back yesterday to tell me the other drug is Bravelle. I don't know how long I'll need to take it for, but one vial costs $100. Online I've found that most people do at least 5 days of it which = $500. 

On top of that, even though my insurance said they'll cover 6 visits, they really only cover the initial consultation. Which means my last ultrasound was $200 that I still owe. Along with the next treatment I'll have to have at least 2 more ultrasounds, which = $400 total.

Oh, and I also found out yesterday we owe $350 in taxes.

Numbers overwhelm me, so I'm just going to round up and say that everything costs a million dollars. It seems like it. 

I went on a message board yesterday and was asking some other people about the treatment. They were all on-board that if I'm going through all of this with medications, ultrasounds and giving away all my money that I should just do IUI to get a better shot. IUI = $400. I actually thought it would be a whole lot more. Then I went to my Junior League meeting and sat with all of my pregnant friends who talked about being pregnant, including my friend who went off the pill the same time I did and is having twins. Talk about a crappy day. Happy for them, wish I was happy for me.

So now we're talking about waiting a little longer until Mr. Bee's job is secured for at least another year. Which made me cry more because I feel like I've already been waiting forever, I'm just getting older and all of my good eggs are dying. And I want to have kids earlier rather than later so my parents will be around a lot longer to enjoy them. Can you tell I'm dramatic and PMSing? Thank god for Peppermint Patties.

Results - Finally

I feel like I've been waiting for this doctor's appointment for an eternity!

First the good news - my cyst has gone from being 2 inches to now being measured in millimeters. My doctor was extremely happy with the progress and that it is almost gone. Thank you all for your good thoughts and prayers!

The not-so-great news is that I do have PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). I've always had a suspicion that I did, but none of my lab work showed it. The PCOS explains my non-existent periods, weight gain, and all those other fun side effects. The good news is that now that I know I'm able to do things that can help to control it (diet and medication).

So from here, my doctor told me to come in as soon as I've finished my pack of pills I'll go back in (so in about two weeks) and we'll start my new medication protocol, which will include Femara and an injectable medication. I'm nervous to be this gung-ho about it since I was really hoping that it would just "happen" but I already know that my body doesn't work the way I'd like it to. So as long as medication results in a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby, I'm ok with it.

If anyone has any stories about their own PCOS experiences or can share any blogs I'd love to read them. Thank you all again for your support!

Back on Birth Control

So it sounds counterintuitive, but I'm back on Birth Control Pills. I hate it and so does my complexion (holy breakout).

I had done a bunch of reading online about cysts and almost everyone who had dealt with it had gone on birth control to stop the growth and prevent new ones. My doctor didn't bring this up, so I called and asked if it was something I should be doing. His nurse called me back and said that they almost always prescribe them and I should start right away. I really wish they had told me at my appointment and not two weeks after, but I hope that being an advocate for myself pays off.

My next appointment is April 7th, but his nurse mentioned that they might want me to wait until I finish the pack of pills before coming back in to be checked.

So to deal with all of my inner turmoil, I got a new puppy! That's the responsible thing to do, right? It's definitely taking my mind off of trying to conceive. He's a great practice baby. I don't think I've slept in the past week. I must say between the breakouts and lack of sleep I look fantastic!

Fun with genetic testing

Today I registered my Genetic Testing kit. Yes, my doctor gave me a kit to make sure that I'm not a carrier for any crazy diseases since my mom's side of the family is Ashkenazi Jew. The kit tests for over 100+ genetic diseases including Maple Syrup Urine Disease.

Ok, I'm sure that it's a very serious disease, but I definitely laughed when I saw that.

It's not a blood test (breathe a sigh of relief if you hate needles), you literally spit into a tube (cringe if you hate bodily fluids as a whole). Then you send your tube in the mail and 2-3 weeks later you find out if you're a carrier for any of these frightening sounding diseases. I'd definitely rather know than be surprised, especially since my husband can be tested too if I do turn out to be a carrier for anything.

And as far as Cystie goes, I haven't had as much pain lately, so I'm really hoping that it's quickly shrinking and going away, and not just waiting to burst. I told Mr. Bee yesterday that I feel like I'm in the movie Saw just waiting for it to burst. I think that grossed him out. I know it's probably not a big deal, but it really freaks me out that something is taking up my small, tiny torso. I was going to write "something the size of a ______ is inside of me," but I googled "2 inches is the size of" and all that came up was micropenis. And that is when this conversation should end.

RE Results = More Whining (Not Winning)

Good news: New doctor seems great. Knows about Pots Syndrome, lots of experience, put me at ease and seems very knowledgeable. Ultrasound showed that my ovaries, cervix and uterus all looked normal.

Bad news: They did an ultrasound and found a 2-inch cyst on or right next to my ovary. I'm going to be monitored for it the next two months and pray that it goes away on its own. Otherwise he thinks my best option would be to have surgery to remove it.

He seems to think that it may have been brought on by the Clomid, and that my doctor didn't look for it in my last ultrasound, which makes me so mad that I'm now dealing with this and will have to wait until it's gone to start trying again.

My future game plan is to wait until it's gone, try Femara instead of Clomid because of the fewer side effects and because it doesn't affect your lining, and go in for constant monitoring. I'm so glad I went with my gut and made this appointment. I've been having pain in my side for a few weeks now, and I'm glad I'm at least aware of it.

Not going to lie, I am really bummed out.

How to Fire your OB

I found my OBGYN the normal way. I looked at Yelp reviews, scoured different websites, and ultimately found my doctor by choosing her because she had a good name. And she went to University of Minnesota (I was born in Minneapolis).

She's nice, but young. Even after my first appointment with her I felt uncomfortable. Not that she herself made me feel uncomfortable, but her lack of knowledge about things did not put me at ease. She had to Google a bunch of things that I thought a doctor should have known.

Most recently, I had a Progesterone test to see if I had ovulated, since the ultrasound I had mid-cycle determined that it didn't look like I ovulated. I waited a long time to get the results, and got them from my doctor's assistant, who had no real information for me, just that the doctor said I ovulated but the number was really low (4.3). I asked what that meant and she asked another doctor who did not understand my doctor's notes.

I asked her to please have my doctor call me back to explain things. It's been over a week. One thing that she did mention was that she did not want to monitor me during Clomid. I've take 50mg every month, and this month I'm going to 100mg. I'm very uncomfortable with her just telling me to come back in a month after this cycle is over. I'm overly annoyed that she hasn't called me back yet.

I don't doubt that doctors are busy. My grandpa was an OBGYN, so I have a good idea of the hours and amount of work they have. I also have high expectations for doctors. I've had so many bad doctors who have prevented me from getting better that I truly value doctors who are invested in getting me better and take active interest in me.  Over a week is a mighty long time to have you start medication when you haven't even gotten your official test results back.

So, I think I'm going to fire my doctor. I'm hoping that the RE can recommend a great doctor out here that I can move to quickly. Then I'll have to send the awkward breakup letter. Or is that only in relationships?

Family Matters

So last night before bed Mr. Bee got a call from his mom, telling him that his aunt is pregnant. 

Backstory: Story on her is that she is only a few years older than Mr. Bee. She married his uncle probably 2 years before we got married. His uncle already has a 15-year-old son, and they have a four-year-old together. They're all very nice and a great couple together. 

So about two months ago, we got a call that L was pregnant. Unfortunately she had a miscarriage a few weeks later. She got pregnant again maybe not even a month after she miscarried. Of course, I'm very happy for her. Her son A is adorable, and she's a great mom. 

Flash-forward to last night after getting the call. Immediately, I feel jealous. Why does she get to be so fertile? She already has a kid and a stepson. Can she leave some babies for me? It's supposed to be my turn. Wahh Wahh Wahh.

Then there is the inevitable guilt. L is a great mom and I'm so happy that she has the opportunity to have another child. Why do I feel so guilty that she gets to have another baby when I haven't had my first?

So many infertility blogs out there are so upbeat. I hope that mine is not all whining and complaining. I try to be optimistic, but at the same time I have real feelings that I'm having to deal with.

Tonight:

Mr. Bee comes home from work. Totally upset. He said that he spent most of the day thinking about how envious he was of his uncle and how sad he is about this situation. He's in my boat! But wait, do I want him to be in my sad boat of guilt and grief? Can we request a happy boat?

I think we talked through a few things and we're trying not to freak out until we go to the RE on Thursday (could that day seem any further away?) I'm praying that we'll get good news at our appointment and can continue trying (hopefully successfully) without much intervention.

I love having a supportive husband and knowing that we can talk about our feelings and frustrations and at the end of the night everything is ok. We are a family. Right now we are only a family of us, a dog and two cats, but hopefully it will grow in the near future. 

I have so much hope. I've gone through so much with my health and I feel like I can overcome this too. I don't know why god has chosen this path for me, but maybe it really is that good things come to those who wait. I'm learning patience while waiting for the one thing I want the most. 

Throwing a wrench in my plans

So I've been waiting for a call from my doctor since last Friday. Once I got the call from her assistant yesterday I had a lot of questions, most of which she couldn't answer. The biggest being why my OB suddenly decided I shouldn't be monitored at all during this round of Clomid. No bloodwork, no ultrasound, no nothing.

Honestly, there is a language barrier between me and the assistant, and maybe the situation is not as bad as I'm making it out to be, but since it's not cleared up and the massive amounts of crazy pills in my body are making me...well...crazy..I called an RE and made an appointment for next week.

I'm scared to go to a fertility doc and feel lame especially going after only trying for 6 months, but with all of my health issues and the quality of care I'm going through right now I feel like I need to advocate for myself and make sure that I'm getting the best care possible.

So next week is my first RE appointment. I feel so much better going to an expert before doing this other round of Clomid. Since you can only take Clomid so many times and I've already used it twice unsuccessfully I'd rather rule out anything else that could be getting in the way than to keep going through bust cycles.

Thank God for my husband who is putting up with my crazy side effects and lovely mood swings. He is a saint.

Stage 3: Shock and Awe

My day 25 labs came back the other day. My Progesterone was only 1.8. On Day 25. 

So we're going forward in Part 3 of the Clomid Saga: Shock and Awe. 

Yesterday I started Provera to bring on my period and also Crinone (a progesterone supplement) that will help build my lining so that when I (hopefully) ovulate this month the lining will be thick enough for implantation and then sustaining a healthy pregnancy.

I've never heard of anyone taking these two at the same time and can't find anything on Google, so hopefully my doctor is confident in her treatment plan.

I feel like I need Charlie Sheen to come over and bless this round with some winning Tiger Blood. 

A Man, A Plan, A Canal, Panama

Ok, maybe not everything in the title exactly pertains to this post. Yes, there will be a man, we have a plan...there's a...birth canal...and, a celebratory trip to Panama?

Nevermind. Onward and upward to the plan.

March (the month we wage war against my body)

• Provera -  To induce period
• Progesterone Supplements - To help build my lining which will support implantation and hopefully, pregnancy
• Clomid -100 mg. I've been taking 50mg the past two months and have gotten the greatness which is Clomid hot flashes and emotional irrationality. Can't wait to have that intensified. Can you sense my sarcasm? It's definitely there.

We're also going to have this bad boy on our side.

Apparently the CBEFM is like the Ferrari of OPK's. Fortunately we had Amazon.com certificates from Christmas we were able to use (these are not cheap). As much as I had been imagining spending my money on endless books, we thought a better shot at a baby made more sense. 

I'll also be going in to get more monitoring with blood work and ultrasounds. 

I found out this weekend that two girls I advised during college are now having their first and second kids. After I stopped eating the peanut butter directly from the fridge, I am starting to come to terms with the fact that yes, people around me are going to get pregnant. Yes, it will probably feel like they are doing it to me on purpose. In most cases, they are probably not. I am going to have to grow a thicker skin and deal with it. That doesn't mean I won't wince every time I find out that every fertile Myrtle on the block is knocked up, but I'm going to at least try. 

I'm also going to continue on my quest of eating better and working out (which has been going decently besides the mint ice cream and brownie shake I had after my appointment last week) and do whatever it takes to make March my bitch.

Doctor Follow-Up

My doctor just gave me a call with my ultrasound results. Even though I had a positive on the ovulation predictor kit (OPK) she's not sure if I ovulated. I had many small follicles, but no large ones that would tell if I had ovulated. My lining was also only at 3.1, which is way too thin to conceive or sustain a pregnancy.

She wasn't sure why I got a positive on the OPK when it doesn't look like I ovulated or why I got 4 positives last month. She does want me to come by tomorrow to talk with her and also pick up some Progesterone supplements, which should increase my lining.

The doctor I spoke with yesterday told me that if I was her patient that she would send me to a reproductive expert. Since that's not covered by my insurance I've been really reluctant to go to an RE. If that happens to be the way that everything works out we will make it work, I just hope that my body comes through for us.   Mr. Bee has had his little guys checked and thankfully, all of that looks great. So even though that's amazing news, I know the problem is with me, and as reassuring as he is, I'm hating that it's my fault we don't have kids yet. I know that there is a right time for everything, that I am not the most patient person and that I am worlds ahead health-wise of where I was last year. I take nothing for granted, and even though I feel selfish for expecting more from life I can't help it. At least I'm aware of it, right?

Waiting for Bee

I'm kind of a blog addict. I have a regular blog and a Tumblr. I write for a living. Not writing about trying to get pregnant has been killing me, but as much as I want to share my trials and tribulations with my blog friends and connect with everyone about the issue I've been too scared to because I don't want my co-workers/boss/stalkers to know every intimate detail about my life. As much as I love to divulge.

Writing in a diary would be one thing, but I know that so many people out there struggle to get pregnant that I wanted to share my story and hear yours.

As a quick backstory, I've had health problems for the past few years. I was diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome in September of 2009 and have worked very hard to deal with my condition, which caused multiple hospital visits, months of being house-bound and general miserability. I'm not cured, but (knock on wood) I'm doing much, much better than anticipated, and much better than so many people who suffer from this condition.

After stopping my medication for my condition, I also stopped birth control pills in October of 2010. I had a few days of breakthrough bleeding after stopping, but never got a period again. After 60 days and multiple negative pregnancy tests, I went into my doctor who started me on Provera.

I originally went on birth control pills at 16 because of irregular periods, and my doctor was convinced that I don't ovulate. I was started on 50 mg. of Clomid and it was determined that I ovulated my first round, but never got a period after. Another million negative pregnancy tests later, I went back to my doctor who put me on another round of Provera and 50 mg. of Clomid.

This is my 2nd round, and after an ultrasound today, things don't look spectacular for this round either. I'm waiting for my doctor to review my results and will post more tomorrow, but the doctor I saw wasn't very impressed by my lack of follicles and lining.

Anyway, I'm not exactly what direction this blog is going to head, what sort of rambling I'll do and where this journey will take me. I do know that getting pregnant is not as easy as it sounds. If you ever doubt that, take a look at the Trying to Get Pregnant boards on TheBump.com.

I love my husband with all of my heart and have always wanted more than anything to be a mother. I can't wait to have a child with both of our looks and personality and watch him or her grow up into a spectacular human being. I'll step off of my soap box now, but thanks for letting me get everything off of my chest. I hope to have some good news to report sooner rather than later. Till then, I'll be waiting for Bee.