Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The World's Lamest Roller Coaster

Here I am on the worst roller coaster ever.
So I've made it to 6dp5dt and I am sheepishly admitting that I have a problem. I can't stop taking pregnancy tests. I told myself that I would wait until this weekend. Then I took one when I went home from work yesterday - nada. And I was kind of ok with it. I knew it was the middle of the day, it was still early, and there was still a chance. That I would hold strong and not test until Friday.

I woke up this morning at 1:20am and thought, "Wow, wouldn't it be cool to get a positive and get to wake up Mr. Bee with great news?" Apparently that was another mistake, because there was still only one line.

I got back into bed and just started Googling things like "Can you still get a BFP after 6dp5dt?" and "Defective pregnancy sticks". And then I cried. I thought about how Mr. Bee's family is coming in town the weekend after I have my beta and how devastated I'll be, and that maybe they shouldn't even come. That I can't even imagine how sad the holidays will be this year. That this will be the worst birthday of my life. And how I can't imagine having to wait until we have more money saved up to go through this all over again and how I don't even know if I can get pregnant, so why even try?

I am a crazy person. I am truly nuts. Fortunately when I told my mom she immediately texted me about an 85-year-old man who just impaled himself with gardening shears and how he won't be gardening anytime soon. And I laughed because I am a sick person, and was glad that I wasn't that guy.

The funny thing is that today I am a little more hopeful than yesterday. It's a roller coaster. The kind of roller coaster that really, really sucks. I like most roller coasters so I'll compare it to the Superman ride, which I think is just the worst kind of roller coaster ever. Roller coasters should have twists and turns and upside downs and the Superman roller coaster just takes you all the way up and drops you.

I want to say I'll wait until this weekend to test again, but in all honesty, I'll probably be torturing myself again tomorrow morning.

Monday, August 29, 2011

The Longest Week of My Life

Welcome to the longest week of my life.

It's my first day back at work and off of bedrest. I thought I'd be so happy to be back at work and busy, but I can't stop worrying. I had cramping the last two days, which could either be good news, or a side effect of my Progesterone. And of course I've already been a crazy lady and tested yesterday and today - both negative. I know it's early, but I've been Googling (which is making me worry more) and there a tons of people who get positives after 3dp5dt (3 days post 5 day transfer) and 4dp5dt. Not me.

I honestly have no idea how I will make it through this week. I know that whatever is meant to be will be, but this is something that I want with all of my heart and the prospect of it not working is already so soul-crushing.

This was part of my monthly horoscope:

If you have been going through a special series of health procedures, such as physical therapy or other prescribed course of action for your heath, it is likely to end at this time, with good results! Saturn will be friendly, so chances are, you'll like the long-lasting, stable results. 

Every symptom, side effect, horoscope and random baby thing that pops hope both gives me hope and dashes it. If anyone has any great suggestions for hobbies that I can pick up this week I'd appreciate it!

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Transfer Day and Baby Bees!

Today was the big day - the transfer. We ended up thawing all 20 embryos and growing them out for 2 more days (which makes them 5 day embryos). Out of the 20, 8 ended up making it, and we were thrilled. 2 of the embryos were hatching blastocysts, which means that they were already hatching out of their shell and as my doctor said, "Looking for you". Corny, but I almost cried.

I need to back up a little to tell you about how you have to drink enough to have a full bladder before the transfer. Then, the nurse came out and gave me a Valium before walking me to my RE's office to tell me about the embryos. As soon as he started telling me that some people don't feel the Valium, it hit me. I could not stop laughing and probably saying the silliest things.

We transferred two amazing looking embryos. I say amazing because that's what I was told. Truthfully, they look like little peanut amoebas, but I don't care what they look like as long as they turn into healthy babies.

They were playing some soothing music in the transfer room that eventually started turning into the Star Trek soundtrack or something like it. Everything was hilarious to me. It took everything I had not to laugh the entire time, especially since the nurse was pushing down on my full bladder the whole time. As they put the embryos in the song hit the crescendo and I had to keep thinking about other things so I didn't die laughing. We asked the RE if he planned that one.

I lay on the table for another half hour, but during that time I couldn't deal with the music and the possibility I could laugh out my babies. Fortunately Mr. Bee asked the doctor to change the music (THANK GOD). So now I'm on "princess time", laying in bed with the dogs, eating Trader Joe's Chocolate and Sea Salt Almonds and praying lots and lots. I'll have my Beta in 10 days, but honestly I'll probably take a pregnancy test at home beforehand. Thanks for sticking by me through all of this!

Thursday, August 18, 2011


My transfer is in exactly one week. FETs are supposed to be so much easier than IVF because there is less stress going into things. I have not had an easy past few weeks.

Besides some major drama going on at my work (thankfully none that affected my job stability as far as I know), my last monitoring appointment was not the best. My doctor would have liked to have seen my lining at an 8. It was a 5. They put me on more Estrace along with my injections and also recommended that I go on Nitro patches to get more blood flow to my uterus. Unfortunately because of my POTS Syndrome, a Nitro patch could have made me very, very sick.

I went to another monitoring appointment on Tuesday. The nurse practitioner told me that my lining had not gotten much better at all, and that it was at about a 6. They were still looking for an 8. I met with my IVF coordinator and she talked to me about the possibility of pushing my transfer back. They could only push it back a few days, otherwise they would have to think about canceling. I was devastated.

Later that day, they called and said that the nurse practitioner had actually misread my scan and it was actually at a 6.7, meaning I was ok to proceed. I was so amazingly grateful, but so mad that I had gone through all of those emotions for no reason.

Because of my POTS Syndrome, I get dehydrated really easily and have low blood pressure. When I checked my BP the other day it was around 90/68 and my sitting pulse was around 100. I ended up in Urgent Care yesterday to get IV fluids, which hasn't left me feeling much better. Then around 5:30 this morning I got a call from my mom. She had hurt her back yesterday. Apparently later that afternoon she was in so much pain that she passed out and hit her head on the bathroom floor and also broke her ankle. My mom has never had major health problems and never broken a bone. I absolutely hate that I am not there with her right now. She has to have surgery to fix her ankle now.

The timing of everything is crappy. I've been so stressed out and so worried that all of this isn't going to work out. I have faith, and I know that God's timing is perfect and that he has an ultimate plan for all of this. That's really the only thing getting me through this week. That and my amazing friend, Juliana, who has been battling POTS, heart problems, Lyme disease, and a ton of other serious ailments and has been in such bad shape. She is my hero and I always think of her and how she makes it through every day. Seriously, my life is a cake walk when I think of her and everything she goes through.

Sorry for my long, rant-y post. I'm just scared and stressed and worried.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Water Ultrasound and Embryo Decisions

Today I had my "water ultrasound" and everything looked great! I'm so thankful! This means I don't have any uterus abnormalities that they think would cause miscarriage.

The RE also looked at my ovaries and said they look great and have no cysts, and that my lining already looked good and had a 3 ring structure (like a planet).

So from here, more shots, more ultrasounds, and the transfer on the 25th.

The biggest question we had is how to transfer. The doctor would like to thaw all 20 embryos and grow them out to 5 days (they have already grown to three days). He'd then choose the best graded embryos to transfer and freeze the rest. My worry is that they aren't going to survive the thaw, then some won't grow to 5 days, and some won't survive the re-freeze. And if this doesn't work (God forbid) I'll be left with none. And doing another fresh transfer cycle is not an option.

I don't know if anyone else has gone through this with an FET, but I'm definitely going to need to think more about it. I know that 20 embryos is a ton, which makes the thought of losing 20 even worse for me.

Thankfully everything else looks good and we're just so grateful to be where we are right now. Bring on the biggest shots I've ever seen in my life, I'm ready for anything.


That's right, I will be listening to this song every time I get a shot for the foreseeable future. And if this works, I will name one of my children Lil Jon.

Friday, August 5, 2011

IVF Babies - WAY Wanted

Loved this:

I've been feeling mega under the weather lately from taking Doxycycline. Like, it's worse than taking shots to the stomach. Mr. Bee is taking it too and feeling just as miserable. Oh well, just another step.

I had my first Estradiol Valerate shot the other night. Let me tell you, that was the first time I was scared of a shot. A shot that you put right in your back/butt area. With a huge needle. And even though the nurse drew a diagram, we were having huge issues figuring out where it went. So we did the normal thing and looked on YouTube, and half of the people who had posted tutorials were going through sex change operations. So we kind of followed their guidance, then I pulled my pants down, put a wooden ladle between my teeth, and Mr. Bee jammed it in. It was equally disgusting for both of us, but didn't hurt as badly as I thought it would.

Yesterday I got my stash of meds for the rest of the month and my cabinet looks like a pharmacy. Seriously. I'll have to take pictures.

I was told earlier this week that I also have to go in for a water ultrasound, or a saline sonohysterogram. It sounds less than pleasant, but then again, so does all of this. But again, worth it. Do you hear that Baby Bee? You are WAY WANTED! So, let's get this show on the road.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Baby Bee Plan is a Go

We went in for my baseline ultrasound and everything looks good for our August 25 transfer! I have to admit I'm totally overwhelmed. I have blood draws, ultrasounds, and tons of medications all mapped out for me to take this month. I have to stop exercising after next Monday (not happy about that) and just signed my life away to buy all the medication out-of-pocket (thanks insurance). It will all be worth it. I know it will.

It looks like with all of my treatments and costs that I won't be able to make my high school reunion, which I was really looking forward to. I haven't seen my family since Christmas, so I really wanted to go back, but it looks like it won't work.

Here are the meds I'll be taking:
Baby Aspirin
Estradiol Valerate Shots
Progesterone Shots

I'll have three days of bedrest after the transfer, which my doctor's office calls "Princess Time. Cringing...
My first beta test will be September 2, but the most accurate one will be on September 5th. So that's D-Day. September 5. I am just praying for an early birthday present (my bday is September 14).

It's a lot to take in and a lot of work, but I keep hoping that in three weeks I'll finally be pregnant. This will all work and we'll finally get to be parents. So if you'd keep sending good thoughts and prayers our way we'd appreciate all of them!