Letters to Bee: Week 13

Hi there Little Bee,

This is probably the longest I've gone without seeing you. I worry, but I know that you're in the best capable hands. We've been so happy to find out your gender and share with all of our friends and family! You are so incredibly loved already and we all can't wait to meet you.

Thanksgiving is next week, and you are the one thing that I am the most thankful for in my life.  I can't believe that next year, you'll be here with us for the holidays. I already love you more than I ever thought was possible.

Love,
Mom

Letters to Bee: Week 11

My Little Bee -

You're just about 12 weeks old, and from what I heard at the last ultrasound, a little jumping gummy bear! We tried to get you to show off for us during the ultrasound on Monday, but you were being shy and hiding most of the time. I was so happy that the doctor confirmed that you were right on track for growth and that you had a beautiful heartbeat. I can't wait to see you at the next scan!

It's so hard to explain the love that I already have for you. I've been so cautious not to get my hopes up, but when we hear good news at the doctor it gives me a small reprieve and I'm so incredibly excited to be your mom.

We had chromosome testing this week to make sure that you're healthy, and we'll hear back on that and if you're a baby boy or girl. I used to dream about what sex I'd have, but through all of the trials we've been through, I just want you to be happy and healthy. Boy or girl, your dad and I will be thrilled.

Since we're both over the fruit you're the size of this week (especially since the OB shook her head at me when I said you were a lime this week,) I decided to consult a more manly version of "How Big Are You This Week". On Saturday, you're going to be a half eaten corn dog, or the size of a small measuring tape!

You've already brought me so much happiness and hope, and I can't wait to meet you soon!

Love,
Mom

[9 Weeks 6 Days] Getting Excited!

After the 9 week ultrasound and seeing our little bee moving around and hearing a beautiful heartbeat, I think I'm finally switching over from looking at this pregnancy every day with horrible anxiety to finally being so excited I want to tell everyone I run into.

I don't know if it's the fact that we've had two ultrasounds and we're going to be 10 weeks pregnant tomorrow (so close to 2nd semester!), but I'm actually loving this time. When I was dealing with IF, I had so many feelings looking at baby pins on Pinterest, or going into baby stores. When I had to buy baby shower gifts, I'd go to the store and get a gift card. Some days were better than ever, but overall, it was just painful to even let myself hope that one day I'd be the one going into the store to pick out onesies for my own baby.

I told Mr. Bee how excited I am to be able to share in this with him and do things like look at nursery decor, find baby names, and look at all sorts of adorable baby clothes.  In fact, we're going shopping for a family car (for baby plus two large dogs), and all I can think about was the last time we went car shopping and how my stomach dropped every time someone at the dealership asked if we had children. Even though car shopping is rarely fun, I'm looking forward to it just because I have a great answer for when I get that question that I once dreaded so much.

I text with A almost every day, and I always feel much better knowing that she's doing well and also able to carry on with her own life. I honestly couldn't have ever dreamed I'd find such a good friend through this process, and can't imagine going through this with anyone else.

A has her 11 week check-up with her OB on November 4, and then we'll schedule the NT Scan. I'd also like to schedule a more conclusive test like the Harmony or MaterniT21 for peace of mind, and because I have health issues of my own and want to make sure that I'm mentally prepared in case for some reason we get less than optimal news. Are any of you going to get one of the more conclusive tests?

I'm excited to fall asleep and wake up tomorrow knowing that I'm the mama to a baby the size of a prune. Happy 10 weeks!

Olive You Baby Olive!

What a difference two weeks makes! Just two weeks ago, you were a peanut. I loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you, and was smitten when I saw your heart flicker. I dreamt about you almost every night. Sometimes you were a boy, sometimes you were a girl, and sometimes I forgot about you in a grocery store (I promise I'll never do that!)

This week, you're as big as an olive, and you looked like a little Kewpie doll with a big head and adorable arms and legs, all moving around. I think the one below looks like you're going for a jog. Your dad and I were so relived to see and hear your hearbeat this week, which was measuring at 186 bpm! According to old wives' tales, that means that you're going to be a girl. Both  I and our doctor think boy, and your Grandma think boy, but your dad is still hanging in for girl. We'll probably start taking gender polls soon. We really don't care as long as you're happy and healthy.

We're so excited for the next scan to see how much you've grown since we saw you last!

Letters to Bee: 7 Weeks

Baby Bee,

I like to think I'm seeing your face here,
but it could really be anything.

I haven't written in a little while, but you're 7 weeks, 4 days old! The last two weeks have been some of the most stressful of my life, worrying if you were going to be our sticky baby. So far, it looks like our dreams are coming true!

A was nice enough to come out over the weekend for the 7 week ultrasound. We all gathered in the exam room and your dad and I hugged and closed our eyes while we waited for the ultrasound. When we looked up, there you were! We weren't quite sure what we were looking at, but we could see your strong heartbeat flickering up on the screen. I cried. I could have watched that screen forever.

Of course, I tried to get more details like what your heart rate was, but was told I had to wait two more weeks until I'd get to know. Waiting is so hard, and for some reason, I'm still not learning patience.

This week you're a blueberry, and by the time I see you next, you'll already be an olive. Next time, you might be a horse. These fruits and vegetables are pretty silly. I know that you're the strongest out of all of our embryos, and so many people are keeping you in their prayers. Don't give A too much trouble these next couple weeks, and grow, grow, grow!

Love,
Mom

We're Positively Excited!

Written 9/18/13

Great Article on Surrogacy

I love reading articles about other people's surrogacy journeys! Surrogates are really some of the most selfless people out there.

Read here

That Time I Played With a Baby Morpher

In our many days of waiting, we decided to mess with a baby morpher. I must say that we have much better results than the first time we tried a baby morpher.

Baby Girl

Baby Boy

If you haven't already, meet Lester. Lester is our first morphed baby. 

Why yes, he is 40, and where he got those teeth from, I will never know. 

Right now we're just jumping over hurdles. Our amazing GS is keeping us in the loop, and she'll be down here soon! Jokes aside, please keep us in your prayers as we go in on the 7th.

Cautiously Optimistic

I know I've been awful about posting, but truthfully, I've been too scared to say anything yet. So I just wanted to jump on and say that we're cautiously optimistic about things, and wishing on every star, blowing on every dandelion, and keeping our fingers and toes crossed. Thank you for all of your texts and tweets of encouragement, we appreciate them more than you'll ever know! I hope to be back in the swing of things soon with good news!

The Dreaded Two Week Wait

I've probably said this before and I meant it: I'm not good with patience. When I did my transfers, I overanalyzed every twinge, cramp, or ounce of nausea. I tested up to 10x a day. I was a mess.

The second transfer was even harder. I felt pregnant, whether that was the hormones or the medication. I had super smell power and nausea. And I was pregnant, even if it was just for a week.

Waiting is hard, especially when I've only gotten bad news. I'm trying to focus on the positives. Thinking that this worked, that this will be amazing, and we'll be blessed with our "take home baby(ies)." And in my heart, I really feel like this worked. And I'll try to keep putting these positive thoughts out into the universe in hopes that they work. 

I hope my neuroses aren't putting to much pressure on A. I've really had a wonderful time hanging out with her, and will miss her, although I'm sure she won't miss being held captive in a hotel room for a weekend. 

So that's where we're at. I'll probably worry until A get a positive test, or worry until the following Monday when we get the 2nd beta result (who makes you wait over the weekend? Really? Not cool!)

Transfer Update

Yesterday was one of the most nerve-wracking days of my life. I was so nervous for the embryo transfer, and was really "not there" during most of my work meetings. I was getting ready to take A to Whole Foods to get some things before the transfer, when I looked down and saw I'd missed a call from our RE. I've never gotten a call an hour before a transfer before, so I knew it wasn't good news.

I tried calling him back, and he was doing another transfer. So of course, I was freaking out. I went downstairs and met with A and explained that I'd just gotten a message, and was pretty sure it meant that one of the embryos didn't make it. I was crying a little, and mostly just being a complete nutcase.

We went to Whole Foods and went back to my house for a few minutes to pick up Mr. Bee, who to my surprise, was on the phone in total lawyer mode with the clinic, trying to get ahold of the doctor. Apparently they'd tried to transfer him and disconnected, and in that short amount of time he'd gone into another appointment.

Because we really wanted to prepare ourselves before we went to the clinic, Mr. Bee stayed on the phone until he spoke to him. We got the news that I'd been dreading - that one of the embryos didn't survive the thaw. The good news was that the other one in the straw had, and was already hatching. Since we only had four embryos left, we had to decide if we wanted to unfreeze the remaining embryos and choose the best two to transfer, or if we just wanted to try one. Even though those were our last ones, we knew we'd have the best odds with two, so we unfroze all of the embryos.

We got to the clinic and waited a while before being seen by the doctor. When we got back to the room, he let us know that of the other two that were unthawed, one of those didn't look like it would make it either. I was a little crushed (and a lot overwhelmed), but really grateful to have two good ones. They gave A a valium, and Mr. Bee requested one for me so I could actually chill out and calm down for the transfer.

As far as that went, everything looked perfect. Our doctor let us know that A's lining looked amazing (something I've never heard myself!) and that she had an amazing obstetrical history. All good things to hear, although they'd probably be random compliments to hear on the street.

Mr. Bee ended up wearing a pink shirt and blue bow tie, and I had pink nails and blue toenails, just for a little extra luck.

So now we wait! A is so wonderful in person, and such a trooper. I'm so glad that through this process I've found a lifelong friend. I know a lot of people aren't as lucky.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers, and I really hope to come back with good news soon!

Transfer Week!

I can't believe it's already transfer week! Our GS flies in tomorrow night and the transfer is set for Thursday afternoon. I honestly haven't gotten a good night sleep in about a week. I've been trying to keep as busy as possible, but I'm ultimately driving myself (and probably everyone around me) crazy.

Yesterday I loaded up on all sorts of yummy things for A to snack on and enjoy during bed rest, so I hope she likes the little care basket! I honestly think bed rest was one of the toughest things for me since I like to be doing things and constantly engaged, especially when I'm stressed out. My RE clinic is really strict about 3 days of bed rest, although I hear other clinics let you do one day of bed rest and then go back to normal activities. I don't mind erring on the side of caution, but I hope she doesn't get too stir-crazy. Does anyone have any good tips for things to do on bed rest besides movies/books?

Until then, I'm going to try to keep thinking good thoughts, and staying busy. Hope everyone had a wonderful Labor Day weekend!

Family Magazines

A few years ago, I started collecting Real Simple Family magazines. They only come out sparingly. The first time a magazine came out, I read every single word, looked at every advertisement, and tried to memorize the best way to parent our future children.

A few editions later, I've been hoarding them. I haven't opened them because it hurts too much to read about kids crafting activities and back to school shopping when I can't participate with my own children.

The newest magazine came in the mail today. I'm scared, but I have hope. I know that there may still be heartbreak, and there's no easy way to deal with disappointment. I'm still sad when seeing friend's with Facebook announcements about new babies, and even holding my friend's babies fill me with such a sense of sadness and longing. I want it so badly for me and Mr. Bee, and knowing that it could be so soon is giving me faith.

Our GS had her first baseline ultrasound on Friday and everything went great! She also started her estradiol valerate injections. I felt so bad because the monitoring clinic wouldn't show her how to do one beause she's not "technically" her patient. So hopefully I was able to send over enough YouTube videos to help her through her injections.

I seriously still can't believe that we're working with such an amazing person who is willing to endure the shots, blood draws, then grow our babies for us, and give them back. I can't deal with what a gift it is.

I may not read the magazinze today, but at least I have that I may read it soon. 

It's all Happening!

Our surrogate got all of her medication today!

She has her baseline ultrasound tomorrow, so fingers crossed everything goes smoothly!

Jimmy Fallon - Newest Surro-Dad

Not to get all US Weekly on you, but I'm extremely happy that celebrities are coming "out-of-the-closet" to admit that they've used surrogacy. Surrogacy is weird. I always feel really awkward talking to people about it, but it's so important to talk about it and make it a "normal" thing. So, thanks Jimmy Fallon! I appreciate your honesty!

Read the article here.

People are Blessings

Throughout this whole journey, there have been points where people give me so much hope. Besides my family and husband who have always been there for me, people have been extremely selfless.

Today I received an email from a girl I'd met online on a Surrogacy board. She lives in the area and has been my "mentor" through this time, giving me advice and walking me through the process. She's answered countless questions, and I've been extremely grateful.

Today I told her about our transfer date. She responded with this:

"I wanted to ask if you were okay with me making a care basket for your surrogate for transfer and leave it at the clinic. Some good luck things like pineapple core, yellow and green things, etc. Just want to send lots of good luck your way for this."

This just touched my heart so deeply. I told my husband who also admits to tearing up over this. We've had people we've never met reach out to us, donate to us so we could save for this, and even do things like help me find affordable hotel rooms. Things I am so incredibly grateful for and that literally seem to be a silver lining in this whole process. Even in the darkest of times there are still so many people in the world that are so wonderful, and I need to remember that always. I'm so thankful for all of the people in my life and all of the people I'm still meeting who already mean so much to me.

Newsflash: We Have a Transfer Date

So excited to say that we officially have a transfer date! Now to keep busy until September 5. Fortunately work has been incredibly busy and I'll be in my best friend's wedding in two weeks, so I have lots of things going on. 

I'd be lying if I didn't admit how extremely nervous I am for everything. Since we've run into everything from canceled cycles to chemical pregnancies, I don't want to get my hopes up. I do feel more hopeful than I have in a very long time, and I'm so incredibly grateful already for our wonderful surrogate. Hoping that the next few weeks fly by and that I have amazing news to report back soon!

Cautiously Optimistic!

We've gotten such great news lately and me and Mr. Bee can't stop talking about how incredibly blessed we are. I wish that life always felt this optimistic!

Our surrogate went for her first screening appointment today and got a great report! She'll have blood work on Monday, and then hopefully get a tentative transfer date. 

From where we started to where we are now is just a miracle. To think that just a few months ago I uttered the words, "I have no hope." And I literally felt it. We'd tried everything and to be denied every time just wears on your soul. This weekend should have been my due date with my chemical pregnancy, and I'm trying to just focus on the great things that are going on and how we've found such a selfless person to help us become parents. Even though it's not on our timeline and not the way we would have liked to have had children, we're just happy that it looks like there is hope.

A (our surrogate) texts me sometimes a few times a day and I always tell her how excited I am, and I literally am. To think that there really is someone out there willing to do this for us is so amazing that it breaks my heart. I am so indescribably grateful. 

It's weird to go from enthusiastically excited to coming back down to earth and realizing that this has never worked for us, and may not. I feel like I have to be honest with myself and know that it's a possibility. I know that this post sounds so bipolar, but that's how my life has felt for the past 3 years. But honestly, I feel the most hope knowing that someone we trust will safely carry our baby, and I can only pray that everything works out and we get to go home with a baby in the next year.

Signed, Sealed, Delivered!

I guess everything really does happen for a reason, because I can officially say we have the best surrogate in the world! And I can say that safely because we have a signed contract!

After the last time I was so nervous that things would fall apart again, and I'm so incredibly happy to report that we're official. More details to come, but I can honestly say that I didn't think I'd be able to find someone who is such a great fit in our lives already.

Onward and upward!

Wishing and Hoping

Lots has been going on since my last post, and keeping my fingers and toes crossed to have some good news to announce soon regarding finding a new (and AMAZING) surrogate! Seriously, she is one of the sweetest people I've ever spoken to, and I'm really hoping we get to make everything official this week. I'll let everyone know, and as always, thanks for sticking by my side!

Onward and Upward

I thought it would be fitting to change the name of my blog from "Waiting for Bee" to "Onward and Upward". Not because I'm done waiting, but because it seems that we're always overcoming our hurdles and moving on to better things. Plus, I use that phrase all time time (try searching this blog, I bet it's posted at least 3 times). 

I found this quote while searching for things online and thought it to be pretty fitting:

"A sacred burden is this life ye bear: 

Look on it, lift it, bear it solemnly, 

Stand up and walk beneath it steadfastly. 

Fail not for sorrow, falter not for sin, 

But onward, upward, till the goal ye win."

Still no surrogacy prospects, so I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed that the perfect person comes into our lives soon!

Roadblocks.

It's been a few days since I got the call that we no longer had a surrogate. And the first night, I honestly felt that I was ok. I was sad, but I was ok. We'd move forward and things would be good. Now it's Thursday night, and I'm borderline devastated.

I don't understand how this could have happened. At this time our agency does not have any surrogates available. It's a small agency, so there's no telling when another one will come along, or if someone comes along that will be a good fit.

I'm not a patient person, but I wish I was. I waited to start trying to have kids until Mr. Bee was out of law school. Then I had to wait because I was so sick. When I was mostly better, I waited until we exhausted all of our infertility options. And then, we waited until we had money saved for a surrogate.

 I hate feeling sorry for myself, but I'm not always strong. I keep hitting roadblock after roadblock.

I have countless blessings in my life, and I'm trying to focus on those. I still have hope, but it's so hard to keep going.

First Surrogate is a No-Go

Well, onward and upward.

From my last post, we thought we'd found the perfect surrogate and decided to move forward. She and I had talked on the phone about our hopes for the future and she seemed like a really amazing person.

After some back-and-forth with the contract, we finally all came to an agreement, and Mr. Bee and I had our contract signed and notarized. We were so excited to move forward and have a July transfer.

Today, we received a call from the surrogate that her husband was no longer behind her, and she would not be moving forward. She wished us the best and told us she thought we'd be great parents.

I was in total shock. If I had answered the phone instead of Mr. Bee, I have no idea what I would have said. I don't get angry, I just get sad. And after the cryfest that was Mother's Day yesterday, I didn't have enough tears left to deal with this disappointment.

As for next steps, we all decided to sleep on it tonight and re-group tomorrow with our agency. I know in my heart that we'll find someone who is a perfect fit. Someone who wants to do this for altruistic reasons. And when that happens I'll be over-the-moon happy. My story isn't going to stop here.

First Surrogate Meeting

Tonight is going to be our first meeting with a surrogate. So far, all I know is that she's married with a son, and has had a twin surrogacy for a couple over a year ago. She sounds amazing and her picture made me instantly feel like she'd be someone I would want to be friends with.

I honestly have no idea how this is going to go. I know I'll ask random questions out of anxiousness and hope she doesn't think I'm a total weirdo. I know that if it doesn't go well, we will eventually find someone who is a perfect fit for us.

I didn't get much sleep last night and I'm a bit out of sorts at work today, but I'm just keeping my fingers and toes crossed right now that things will go well. All you can do is hope, right?

Movin' on up!

From last Thursday:

Today is the start of everything - we signed our contract with our surrogacy agency! The whole thing seems surreal and exciting and scary.

We met with the agency owner at Starbucks and went through all the paperwork and she answered our questions (I had a million) and we officially decided to move forward.

Right now there are two surrogates who she has waiting, and possibly a third who delivered twins via surrogacy last year and may be looking to be a surrogate again.

Looking at the pictures of people who could potentially carry your child is crazy. This person will be giving us the greatest gift at all, and someone I'll be thankful for my entire life. I hope that it's someone that Mr. Bee and I both bond well with and someone that I'll be close to. 

Then you have all the questions like:

"Do I go to the appointments?"

"How many days a week do we talk?"

"Will she like me?"

Fingers crossed that everything from here goes smoothly!

Some Days are better than Others

Some nights my heart breaks more than others. I'll be doing laundry and wish I was folding onesies. I love my life, but my life isn't complete.

Last night I had someone at a meeting complain to me about how mad she was to find out that her baby was a boy. She was so annoyed to find out that  her healthy baby wasn't the gender she wanted. And I wanted to break down right there. What I wouldn't give for a baby of either gender!

I don't want my friends to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me, but I don't know what's going to set me off, and what won't. I know that I need patience and strength to get me through this time, but all the while the inevitability of the fact that I will never carry our children comes out of nowhere and every episode leaves me feeling more hopeless and sad than I've ever been before.

I can't give up hope, and I won't give up hope. My heart is hurting but it's still beating.