Sunday, December 30, 2012

Jealousy and 2013

I made it through Christmas mostly ok. Minor breakdown, but overall had a great time with my husband and family.

The thing that got me today was finding out that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are having a baby together. Someone who is still married to another man and is famous for making a sex tape is pregnant.

I agree with this quote whole-heartedly, and in 2013, I'm going to try my hardest to stop being jealous. It's hard being at the age where everyone is starting to have kids and wanting to be so happy for everyone. Happy to get their Christmas cards and baby announcements. And I love to see them, but boy, do they tear me up inside.

I didn't really have any New Years Resolutions, but my goal is to try to stop being jealous of everyone else's families and be happy with what I do have. I know that things will work out for us eventually, they have to. It's just a long road and so many dead ends and so many tears. But I have to believe that things will work out, that we'll have our children, just not on our timeframe.

Along with it being Christmas, it's been hard thinking that around now, we'd be telling our friends and families that we were pregnant. This is a little TMI, but I was hoarding a positive pregnancy test until last night, when I had to toss it during a cleaning frenzy. And I have to mourn the fact that I will probably never have that again. That I won't be able to carry our children, and that we might not even be able to have biological children. And that hurts, so very much.

I'm praying that 2013 brings more happiness than heartache for everyone. I pray that we're able to find and afford a surrogate sometime sooner rather than later. And I'm thankful for all of you who have been supporting us through all of this. So if I don't say it enough, thank you.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Beating the no Baby Blues

The past two years have been really tough getting through the holidays. People posting pictures of their babies looking at Christmas lights, opening presents, and I think of that void in my life I found this great article called "Beating the no Baby Blues," which offers some helpful tips about getting through the times when not having a child is unbearable.

"The point is that there is no magic bullet that will destroy what is trying to destroy you--whether it be cancer, infertility, divorce, or loneliness. Without implementing positive strategies for dealing with adversity, sooner or later, we are bound to become undone. And so, in the spirit of the holidays, I share the things I’ve found most helpful.

 1.) Go for a hike. Fresh air and exercise are a time-honored prescription for feeling better.
2.) Cry. Opening up to what hurts is one way of making sure it doesn’t take you down.
3.) Hug your ________ (husband, dog, sister, mom, dad, cat, best friend) and tell them you love them. I believe the energy you put out into the world is the energy you get back.
4.) Take charge of your life by mapping out goals and options. Is adoption feasible? Does your acupuncturist know of anyone who might surrogate for you?
5.) Give yourself a break. Take the rock out of your shoe and put it in a mental box. Tie it up with a brightly colored bow and store it in a dark corner of your mind. When you unwrap it again next year, perhaps you’ll have a new perspective."

Here's the rest of the article from Suzanne Rico:

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

New Journey - Surrogacy

Today we had our "WTF" appointment with our reproductive doctor, which is never fun to go to. This one in particular was harder than the rest.

We talked about how even though I was able to get pregnant, my lining issues made it so I wouldn't be able to carry the pregnancy. He feels the best option for us is to go the surrogacy route. Even though I knew in my heart that was going to be his answer, it still hurt.

The good news (silver lining) is that we have 4 embryos left, and they are all good quality. He was especially optimistic that because I was able to get pregnant, that the real problem is just my uterus, and not the embryos. So yay embryos!

Our next steps are to save money (a lot of it) and either go the agency route, or find an independent surrogate. My doctor is saying that an ideal surrogate would already have had successful pregnancies, be healthy, and between 20-35.

Right now I'm just thankful for everyone's support, because this is not fun, and it's not ideal. But it's bearable. I need to have patience, which is something that is not easy for me. I keep thinking that if my last IVF cycle had gone well that we could have been telling people around Christmas which is just around the corner. I have friends that are announcing their August 2013 pregnancies, which is after my "due date". Little things pop up that remind me that I'll never be pregnant. But I feel more ok knowing that my doctor is confident in our embryos, and that surrogacy will work for us. Plus, if NPH used surrogacy, it must be awesome.

Thanks for listening and thanks for all of your kind words and good thoughts, they mean the world to me.