Back on Birth Control

So it sounds counterintuitive, but I'm back on Birth Control Pills. I hate it and so does my complexion (holy breakout).

I had done a bunch of reading online about cysts and almost everyone who had dealt with it had gone on birth control to stop the growth and prevent new ones. My doctor didn't bring this up, so I called and asked if it was something I should be doing. His nurse called me back and said that they almost always prescribe them and I should start right away. I really wish they had told me at my appointment and not two weeks after, but I hope that being an advocate for myself pays off.

My next appointment is April 7th, but his nurse mentioned that they might want me to wait until I finish the pack of pills before coming back in to be checked.

So to deal with all of my inner turmoil, I got a new puppy! That's the responsible thing to do, right? It's definitely taking my mind off of trying to conceive. He's a great practice baby. I don't think I've slept in the past week. I must say between the breakouts and lack of sleep I look fantastic!

Fun with genetic testing

Today I registered my Genetic Testing kit. Yes, my doctor gave me a kit to make sure that I'm not a carrier for any crazy diseases since my mom's side of the family is Ashkenazi Jew. The kit tests for over 100+ genetic diseases including Maple Syrup Urine Disease.

Ok, I'm sure that it's a very serious disease, but I definitely laughed when I saw that.

It's not a blood test (breathe a sigh of relief if you hate needles), you literally spit into a tube (cringe if you hate bodily fluids as a whole). Then you send your tube in the mail and 2-3 weeks later you find out if you're a carrier for any of these frightening sounding diseases. I'd definitely rather know than be surprised, especially since my husband can be tested too if I do turn out to be a carrier for anything.

And as far as Cystie goes, I haven't had as much pain lately, so I'm really hoping that it's quickly shrinking and going away, and not just waiting to burst. I told Mr. Bee yesterday that I feel like I'm in the movie Saw just waiting for it to burst. I think that grossed him out. I know it's probably not a big deal, but it really freaks me out that something is taking up my small, tiny torso. I was going to write "something the size of a ______ is inside of me," but I googled "2 inches is the size of" and all that came up was micropenis. And that is when this conversation should end.

RE Results = More Whining (Not Winning)

Good news: New doctor seems great. Knows about Pots Syndrome, lots of experience, put me at ease and seems very knowledgeable. Ultrasound showed that my ovaries, cervix and uterus all looked normal.

Bad news: They did an ultrasound and found a 2-inch cyst on or right next to my ovary. I'm going to be monitored for it the next two months and pray that it goes away on its own. Otherwise he thinks my best option would be to have surgery to remove it.

He seems to think that it may have been brought on by the Clomid, and that my doctor didn't look for it in my last ultrasound, which makes me so mad that I'm now dealing with this and will have to wait until it's gone to start trying again.

My future game plan is to wait until it's gone, try Femara instead of Clomid because of the fewer side effects and because it doesn't affect your lining, and go in for constant monitoring. I'm so glad I went with my gut and made this appointment. I've been having pain in my side for a few weeks now, and I'm glad I'm at least aware of it.

Not going to lie, I am really bummed out.

How to Fire your OB

I found my OBGYN the normal way. I looked at Yelp reviews, scoured different websites, and ultimately found my doctor by choosing her because she had a good name. And she went to University of Minnesota (I was born in Minneapolis).

She's nice, but young. Even after my first appointment with her I felt uncomfortable. Not that she herself made me feel uncomfortable, but her lack of knowledge about things did not put me at ease. She had to Google a bunch of things that I thought a doctor should have known.

Most recently, I had a Progesterone test to see if I had ovulated, since the ultrasound I had mid-cycle determined that it didn't look like I ovulated. I waited a long time to get the results, and got them from my doctor's assistant, who had no real information for me, just that the doctor said I ovulated but the number was really low (4.3). I asked what that meant and she asked another doctor who did not understand my doctor's notes.

I asked her to please have my doctor call me back to explain things. It's been over a week. One thing that she did mention was that she did not want to monitor me during Clomid. I've take 50mg every month, and this month I'm going to 100mg. I'm very uncomfortable with her just telling me to come back in a month after this cycle is over. I'm overly annoyed that she hasn't called me back yet.

I don't doubt that doctors are busy. My grandpa was an OBGYN, so I have a good idea of the hours and amount of work they have. I also have high expectations for doctors. I've had so many bad doctors who have prevented me from getting better that I truly value doctors who are invested in getting me better and take active interest in me.  Over a week is a mighty long time to have you start medication when you haven't even gotten your official test results back.

So, I think I'm going to fire my doctor. I'm hoping that the RE can recommend a great doctor out here that I can move to quickly. Then I'll have to send the awkward breakup letter. Or is that only in relationships?

Family Matters

So last night before bed Mr. Bee got a call from his mom, telling him that his aunt is pregnant. 

Backstory: Story on her is that she is only a few years older than Mr. Bee. She married his uncle probably 2 years before we got married. His uncle already has a 15-year-old son, and they have a four-year-old together. They're all very nice and a great couple together. 

So about two months ago, we got a call that L was pregnant. Unfortunately she had a miscarriage a few weeks later. She got pregnant again maybe not even a month after she miscarried. Of course, I'm very happy for her. Her son A is adorable, and she's a great mom. 

Flash-forward to last night after getting the call. Immediately, I feel jealous. Why does she get to be so fertile? She already has a kid and a stepson. Can she leave some babies for me? It's supposed to be my turn. Wahh Wahh Wahh.

Then there is the inevitable guilt. L is a great mom and I'm so happy that she has the opportunity to have another child. Why do I feel so guilty that she gets to have another baby when I haven't had my first?

So many infertility blogs out there are so upbeat. I hope that mine is not all whining and complaining. I try to be optimistic, but at the same time I have real feelings that I'm having to deal with.

Tonight:

Mr. Bee comes home from work. Totally upset. He said that he spent most of the day thinking about how envious he was of his uncle and how sad he is about this situation. He's in my boat! But wait, do I want him to be in my sad boat of guilt and grief? Can we request a happy boat?

I think we talked through a few things and we're trying not to freak out until we go to the RE on Thursday (could that day seem any further away?) I'm praying that we'll get good news at our appointment and can continue trying (hopefully successfully) without much intervention.

I love having a supportive husband and knowing that we can talk about our feelings and frustrations and at the end of the night everything is ok. We are a family. Right now we are only a family of us, a dog and two cats, but hopefully it will grow in the near future. 

I have so much hope. I've gone through so much with my health and I feel like I can overcome this too. I don't know why god has chosen this path for me, but maybe it really is that good things come to those who wait. I'm learning patience while waiting for the one thing I want the most. 

Throwing a wrench in my plans

So I've been waiting for a call from my doctor since last Friday. Once I got the call from her assistant yesterday I had a lot of questions, most of which she couldn't answer. The biggest being why my OB suddenly decided I shouldn't be monitored at all during this round of Clomid. No bloodwork, no ultrasound, no nothing.

Honestly, there is a language barrier between me and the assistant, and maybe the situation is not as bad as I'm making it out to be, but since it's not cleared up and the massive amounts of crazy pills in my body are making me...well...crazy..I called an RE and made an appointment for next week.

I'm scared to go to a fertility doc and feel lame especially going after only trying for 6 months, but with all of my health issues and the quality of care I'm going through right now I feel like I need to advocate for myself and make sure that I'm getting the best care possible.

So next week is my first RE appointment. I feel so much better going to an expert before doing this other round of Clomid. Since you can only take Clomid so many times and I've already used it twice unsuccessfully I'd rather rule out anything else that could be getting in the way than to keep going through bust cycles.

Thank God for my husband who is putting up with my crazy side effects and lovely mood swings. He is a saint.

Stage 3: Shock and Awe

My day 25 labs came back the other day. My Progesterone was only 1.8. On Day 25. 

So we're going forward in Part 3 of the Clomid Saga: Shock and Awe. 

Yesterday I started Provera to bring on my period and also Crinone (a progesterone supplement) that will help build my lining so that when I (hopefully) ovulate this month the lining will be thick enough for implantation and then sustaining a healthy pregnancy.

I've never heard of anyone taking these two at the same time and can't find anything on Google, so hopefully my doctor is confident in her treatment plan.

I feel like I need Charlie Sheen to come over and bless this round with some winning Tiger Blood.