Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Surrogacy: The Next Step

We're still hurting from the chemical pregnancy, but I feel like we have some hope now.

Tonight we met with a surrogacy agency that we really liked and would like to work with. We still have four embryos left, so we would probably not need to complete a new IVF cycle. Costs would just be to the surrogate, the agency, and for medical expenses. It looks like we're still pretty far away from being able to afford surrogacy since we're still down and out from fertility payments, but at least we have some hope.

I don't think anyone envisions that they'll one day have a baby via surrogate. It's not ideal, and I wish I were the one getting pregnant. But I'm ok with working with any hurdles that will get us closer to having our children. I'm hoping that the focus of this blog gets to become a bit more uplifting, as even though I'll have things going on in my life that won't always be pleasant, I feel like the chance at a positive outcome is so much greater.

I don't know why this has happened to us, but I know that there is a reason for everything, and that someone will be brought into my life for a reason to carry our child. And waiting for that will be exciting, and scary.  

I'm sleepy and rambling, but I just wanted to get my feelings out about this new "chapter" in our lives. And thank Mr. Bee for always being the most wonderful, supportive husband I could ever ask for. And thank our family and friends for being so darn supportive. Having you all there for us this last week during our loss made things much less hard. 

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Back at 1

My 2nd beta tests came back in yesterday at a whopping 1, which means I'm having a chemical pregnancy. The pain of having this not work, coupled by knowing that this time was probably the only time that I'll ever be pregnant in my life is unbearable. But I'm resilient, and I have a great support system.

I'll go back to the doctor in December, but I'm really leaning towards surrogacy at this point. I don't know if I can take the pain of loss and the feeling that I'm just throwing away my money and embryos, when it could be that having another person carry our children is the best option. It's also probably a better decision because of my POTS syndrome, which could give me some awful setbacks if I was pregnant.

No one ever wants to go this route. It feels like giving up, and the disappointment that you can't carry your own children is awful. I have no idea where to even begin earning the money needed for surrogacy, but I'm hoping it will all come together. I did find an agency where I live that seems to be a great fit, so I'm thankful for that.

If you have any great "get rich quick" schemes, or you've recently robbed a bank and feel really guilty about it, and want to serve your penance by shipping the money to me, I'm not above anything at this point. :)

Thanks again for all the love and support, it means the world to me. 

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

6dp5dt - Faintest of Faint Lines!!!!

I've been feeling pretty awful since the transfer, but chalked it up to all the medication I'm taking. Yesterday I was lightheaded and nauseous all day, and the only thing I wanted to eat was popcorn. I had accidentally left some turkey chili in my car from lunch and when I got in my car and smelled it I had to use every ounce of willpower I had not to throw up. Sorry for the visual, but it was not fun.

I laid down once I got home last night and Mr. Bee started talking to me about his day, and I literally had to tell him that with every word I felt more sick to my stomach. I'm sure I'm fun to be around! Anyway, around 1am I had to use the restroom and kept telling myself to think positive, and that there was still a chance to get a positive test. I even made a mental note to myself to remember that I was watching Duck Dynasty so I could tell future Baby Bee that I found out I was pregnant while watching trashy TV. So I tested and didn't see anything. I was bummed, but was hoping it was still early. Being my neurotic self, I took another look at the stick and saw the faintest of faint lines. I then spent a good hour or so holding it up to the light, taking pictures and playing with the contrast, and tons of other zany things that probably only I would think of.

When Mr. Bee woke up, I showed him and asked him to carefully scrutinize it, and he said he saw it too. Or he may have been placating me because I did tell him the night before that his words made me sick. At lunch today, I ran home and tested again, and saw a slightly darker second line! I wasn't going completely crazy!

As I mentioned before, I've never seen a second line except once as kind of a joke. I want to run around and jump up and down and tell everyone, "HEY! TWO LINES! I'M MAYBE KIND OF PREGNANT!" I know that things are still early and I could wake up tomorrow and have one line again, or have a crappy beta, and I don't want to set myself up for failure. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I can't believe that this could finally be "IT" for me and Mr. Bee. We've talked about kids from when we met 8 years ago, and I've wanted nothing more than to have kids with him. I'm keeping everything in the world crossed right now. 

Almost Pregnant

I hadn't hit publish on my last post because I was waiting for my beta blood test results.

Sunday night I was still getting positive pregnancy tests. I had even taken a digital test that said "PREGNANT!" Mr. Bee and I were so excited, that for a little while I even stopped worrying about my blood test. I felt pregnant. I had gotten about 5 days of positive results, and this was going to be it for us. I've never gotten a positive anything before, so we were excited, even though there were so many hurdles up ahead. 

Yesterday I had my beta HCG test and got a 7.9. My office considers anything above a 5 a positive, but from reading on the internet, my numbers should have at least been around 50. Anything even close to 20 was considered a chemical pregnancy. My doctor's office told me that the only thing that matters is that the number doubles on Wednesday, but I know that this isn't going to be it for us.

I went home and cried my face off. Mr. Bee came home early and let me be a complete mess. I called my mom who told me to keep hope, but for me it's much easier to lose hope and if something miraculous happens tomorrow, that would just be an added bonus. I have dealt with so much disappointment that it's hard to keep my head up.

Yesterday and today I've had much worse cramping than I did last week, and I am not expecting good news tomorrow. Thank you for everyone's words of encouragement and prayers, it really did help going through all of this with people knowing what was going on.

So from here, we'll probably meet with my RE again to discuss options, but it's looking more and more like surrogacy will be our only option, and who knows how long it will take to save for that (surrogacy normally costs around $100K). I feel pretty hopeless, but I know that somehow we'll eventually have kids. Even if it takes forever. 

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Update - 5dp5dt

I went in for my second FET last Friday and transferred two embryos. We've been on break for about a year from treatments, and this time we tried an experimental treatment called Neupogen that I asked my doctor about last year and he started using.

I had been pretty hopeful about things until I started testing yesterday at 4dp5dt and got a negative. Then I rode the roller coaster of emotions all day long and went from telling myself, "It's ok, it's still early" to, "You're going to be barren and childless your whole life". It's a fun ride, I swear.

So then I promised myself I'd wait another two days, but when I woke up today, I tested again. I blame it on a lack of sleep. 5dp5dt (which is the equivalent of about 10 days post ovulation, for those of you who don't have to know the infertility lingo) and it was still stark white. One line.

I know that people get positive tests all the time later, but after consulting with Dr. Internet, who is never wrong, it looks like today is the day the majority of the people find out that they are pregnant. In fact, those people are complaining about faint lines. I'd love a faint line just so I knew what a line looked like! I think the only time I ever saw a line was when I still had my HCG trigger and I used an cheap internet test just to see what it would look like.

So here I wait in 2ww hell, either to wait until my beta test on Monday, or jump off a roof. I had almost forgotten how devastating this whole process is. I think the other reason I feel like this is because my doctor isn't feeling very confident about treatment, and before the FET mentioned that the only other suggestions he has are to try a cycle much like going through a whole IVF cycle with Femara but without getting eggs, because that's when my lining was thickest, or get a surrogate. I thought that asking my doctor's office about surrogacy would make me feel better, but it made me feel 10 times worse. They literally said, "it's a chunk of change if you don't have a relative or friend to carry it for you," because you have to total in agency costs, legal, medication, IVF, cost to the carrier, and the cost of medical bills without insurance. In my mind I saw Scrooge McDuck with dollar signs for eyes jumping into a large pile of gold coins I don't have.

Anyway, that's where I'm at. I'd love to have some good news to report, but I'm feeling a bit hopeless right now.