Jealousy and 2013

I made it through Christmas mostly ok. Minor breakdown, but overall had a great time with my husband and family.

The thing that got me today was finding out that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are having a baby together. Someone who is still married to another man and is famous for making a sex tape is pregnant.

I agree with this quote whole-heartedly, and in 2013, I'm going to try my hardest to stop being jealous. It's hard being at the age where everyone is starting to have kids and wanting to be so happy for everyone. Happy to get their Christmas cards and baby announcements. And I love to see them, but boy, do they tear me up inside.

I didn't really have any New Years Resolutions, but my goal is to try to stop being jealous of everyone else's families and be happy with what I do have. I know that things will work out for us eventually, they have to. It's just a long road and so many dead ends and so many tears. But I have to believe that things will work out, that we'll have our children, just not on our timeframe.

Along with it being Christmas, it's been hard thinking that around now, we'd be telling our friends and families that we were pregnant. This is a little TMI, but I was hoarding a positive pregnancy test until last night, when I had to toss it during a cleaning frenzy. And I have to mourn the fact that I will probably never have that again. That I won't be able to carry our children, and that we might not even be able to have biological children. And that hurts, so very much.

I'm praying that 2013 brings more happiness than heartache for everyone. I pray that we're able to find and afford a surrogate sometime sooner rather than later. And I'm thankful for all of you who have been supporting us through all of this. So if I don't say it enough, thank you.

Beating the no Baby Blues

The past two years have been really tough getting through the holidays. People posting pictures of their babies looking at Christmas lights, opening presents, and I think of that void in my life I found this great article called "Beating the no Baby Blues," which offers some helpful tips about getting through the times when not having a child is unbearable.

"The point is that there is no magic bullet that will destroy what is trying to destroy you--whether it be cancer, infertility, divorce, or loneliness. Without implementing positive strategies for dealing with adversity, sooner or later, we are bound to become undone. And so, in the spirit of the holidays, I share the things I’ve found most helpful.

 1.) Go for a hike. Fresh air and exercise are a time-honored prescription for feeling better.
2.) Cry. Opening up to what hurts is one way of making sure it doesn’t take you down.
3.) Hug your ________ (husband, dog, sister, mom, dad, cat, best friend) and tell them you love them. I believe the energy you put out into the world is the energy you get back.
4.) Take charge of your life by mapping out goals and options. Is adoption feasible? Does your acupuncturist know of anyone who might surrogate for you?
5.) Give yourself a break. Take the rock out of your shoe and put it in a mental box. Tie it up with a brightly colored bow and store it in a dark corner of your mind. When you unwrap it again next year, perhaps you’ll have a new perspective."

Here's the rest of the article from Suzanne Rico: http://www.fertilityauthority.com/blogger/suzanne-rico/2012/12/02/beating-no-baby-blues

New Journey - Surrogacy

Today we had our "WTF" appointment with our reproductive doctor, which is never fun to go to. This one in particular was harder than the rest.

We talked about how even though I was able to get pregnant, my lining issues made it so I wouldn't be able to carry the pregnancy. He feels the best option for us is to go the surrogacy route. Even though I knew in my heart that was going to be his answer, it still hurt.

The good news (silver lining) is that we have 4 embryos left, and they are all good quality. He was especially optimistic that because I was able to get pregnant, that the real problem is just my uterus, and not the embryos. So yay embryos!

Our next steps are to save money (a lot of it) and either go the agency route, or find an independent surrogate. My doctor is saying that an ideal surrogate would already have had successful pregnancies, be healthy, and between 20-35.

Right now I'm just thankful for everyone's support, because this is not fun, and it's not ideal. But it's bearable. I need to have patience, which is something that is not easy for me. I keep thinking that if my last IVF cycle had gone well that we could have been telling people around Christmas which is just around the corner. I have friends that are announcing their August 2013 pregnancies, which is after my "due date". Little things pop up that remind me that I'll never be pregnant. But I feel more ok knowing that my doctor is confident in our embryos, and that surrogacy will work for us. Plus, if NPH used surrogacy, it must be awesome.

Thanks for listening and thanks for all of your kind words and good thoughts, they mean the world to me.

Surrogacy: The Next Step

We're still hurting from the chemical pregnancy, but I feel like we have some hope now.

Tonight we met with a surrogacy agency that we really liked and would like to work with. We still have four embryos left, so we would probably not need to complete a new IVF cycle. Costs would just be to the surrogate, the agency, and for medical expenses. It looks like we're still pretty far away from being able to afford surrogacy since we're still down and out from fertility payments, but at least we have some hope.

I don't think anyone envisions that they'll one day have a baby via surrogate. It's not ideal, and I wish I were the one getting pregnant. But I'm ok with working with any hurdles that will get us closer to having our children. I'm hoping that the focus of this blog gets to become a bit more uplifting, as even though I'll have things going on in my life that won't always be pleasant, I feel like the chance at a positive outcome is so much greater.

I don't know why this has happened to us, but I know that there is a reason for everything, and that someone will be brought into my life for a reason to carry our child. And waiting for that will be exciting, and scary.  

I'm sleepy and rambling, but I just wanted to get my feelings out about this new "chapter" in our lives. And thank Mr. Bee for always being the most wonderful, supportive husband I could ever ask for. And thank our family and friends for being so darn supportive. Having you all there for us this last week during our loss made things much less hard. 

Back at 1

My 2nd beta tests came back in yesterday at a whopping 1, which means I'm having a chemical pregnancy. The pain of having this not work, coupled by knowing that this time was probably the only time that I'll ever be pregnant in my life is unbearable. But I'm resilient, and I have a great support system.

I'll go back to the doctor in December, but I'm really leaning towards surrogacy at this point. I don't know if I can take the pain of loss and the feeling that I'm just throwing away my money and embryos, when it could be that having another person carry our children is the best option. It's also probably a better decision because of my POTS syndrome, which could give me some awful setbacks if I was pregnant.

No one ever wants to go this route. It feels like giving up, and the disappointment that you can't carry your own children is awful. I have no idea where to even begin earning the money needed for surrogacy, but I'm hoping it will all come together. I did find an agency where I live that seems to be a great fit, so I'm thankful for that.

If you have any great "get rich quick" schemes, or you've recently robbed a bank and feel really guilty about it, and want to serve your penance by shipping the money to me, I'm not above anything at this point. :)

Thanks again for all the love and support, it means the world to me. 

6dp5dt - Faintest of Faint Lines!!!!

I've been feeling pretty awful since the transfer, but chalked it up to all the medication I'm taking. Yesterday I was lightheaded and nauseous all day, and the only thing I wanted to eat was popcorn. I had accidentally left some turkey chili in my car from lunch and when I got in my car and smelled it I had to use every ounce of willpower I had not to throw up. Sorry for the visual, but it was not fun.

I laid down once I got home last night and Mr. Bee started talking to me about his day, and I literally had to tell him that with every word I felt more sick to my stomach. I'm sure I'm fun to be around! Anyway, around 1am I had to use the restroom and kept telling myself to think positive, and that there was still a chance to get a positive test. I even made a mental note to myself to remember that I was watching Duck Dynasty so I could tell future Baby Bee that I found out I was pregnant while watching trashy TV. So I tested and didn't see anything. I was bummed, but was hoping it was still early. Being my neurotic self, I took another look at the stick and saw the faintest of faint lines. I then spent a good hour or so holding it up to the light, taking pictures and playing with the contrast, and tons of other zany things that probably only I would think of.

When Mr. Bee woke up, I showed him and asked him to carefully scrutinize it, and he said he saw it too. Or he may have been placating me because I did tell him the night before that his words made me sick. At lunch today, I ran home and tested again, and saw a slightly darker second line! I wasn't going completely crazy!

As I mentioned before, I've never seen a second line except once as kind of a joke. I want to run around and jump up and down and tell everyone, "HEY! TWO LINES! I'M MAYBE KIND OF PREGNANT!" I know that things are still early and I could wake up tomorrow and have one line again, or have a crappy beta, and I don't want to set myself up for failure. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I can't believe that this could finally be "IT" for me and Mr. Bee. We've talked about kids from when we met 8 years ago, and I've wanted nothing more than to have kids with him. I'm keeping everything in the world crossed right now. 

Almost Pregnant

I hadn't hit publish on my last post because I was waiting for my beta blood test results.

Sunday night I was still getting positive pregnancy tests. I had even taken a digital test that said "PREGNANT!" Mr. Bee and I were so excited, that for a little while I even stopped worrying about my blood test. I felt pregnant. I had gotten about 5 days of positive results, and this was going to be it for us. I've never gotten a positive anything before, so we were excited, even though there were so many hurdles up ahead. 

Yesterday I had my beta HCG test and got a 7.9. My office considers anything above a 5 a positive, but from reading on the internet, my numbers should have at least been around 50. Anything even close to 20 was considered a chemical pregnancy. My doctor's office told me that the only thing that matters is that the number doubles on Wednesday, but I know that this isn't going to be it for us.

I went home and cried my face off. Mr. Bee came home early and let me be a complete mess. I called my mom who told me to keep hope, but for me it's much easier to lose hope and if something miraculous happens tomorrow, that would just be an added bonus. I have dealt with so much disappointment that it's hard to keep my head up.

Yesterday and today I've had much worse cramping than I did last week, and I am not expecting good news tomorrow. Thank you for everyone's words of encouragement and prayers, it really did help going through all of this with people knowing what was going on.

So from here, we'll probably meet with my RE again to discuss options, but it's looking more and more like surrogacy will be our only option, and who knows how long it will take to save for that (surrogacy normally costs around $100K). I feel pretty hopeless, but I know that somehow we'll eventually have kids. Even if it takes forever. 

Update - 5dp5dt

I went in for my second FET last Friday and transferred two embryos. We've been on break for about a year from treatments, and this time we tried an experimental treatment called Neupogen that I asked my doctor about last year and he started using.

I had been pretty hopeful about things until I started testing yesterday at 4dp5dt and got a negative. Then I rode the roller coaster of emotions all day long and went from telling myself, "It's ok, it's still early" to, "You're going to be barren and childless your whole life". It's a fun ride, I swear.

So then I promised myself I'd wait another two days, but when I woke up today, I tested again. I blame it on a lack of sleep. 5dp5dt (which is the equivalent of about 10 days post ovulation, for those of you who don't have to know the infertility lingo) and it was still stark white. One line.

I know that people get positive tests all the time later, but after consulting with Dr. Internet, who is never wrong, it looks like today is the day the majority of the people find out that they are pregnant. In fact, those people are complaining about faint lines. I'd love a faint line just so I knew what a line looked like! I think the only time I ever saw a line was when I still had my HCG trigger and I used an cheap internet test just to see what it would look like.

So here I wait in 2ww hell, either to wait until my beta test on Monday, or jump off a roof. I had almost forgotten how devastating this whole process is. I think the other reason I feel like this is because my doctor isn't feeling very confident about treatment, and before the FET mentioned that the only other suggestions he has are to try a cycle much like going through a whole IVF cycle with Femara but without getting eggs, because that's when my lining was thickest, or get a surrogate. I thought that asking my doctor's office about surrogacy would make me feel better, but it made me feel 10 times worse. They literally said, "it's a chunk of change if you don't have a relative or friend to carry it for you," because you have to total in agency costs, legal, medication, IVF, cost to the carrier, and the cost of medical bills without insurance. In my mind I saw Scrooge McDuck with dollar signs for eyes jumping into a large pile of gold coins I don't have.

Anyway, that's where I'm at. I'd love to have some good news to report, but I'm feeling a bit hopeless right now.

Hi there.

Long time no see!

I've been off the horse for a while, and I'm thinking about getting back into the rodeo. Or at least dipping my toe in the dirt. Or [fill in your own metaphor].

The past few months I've been away have been filled with tremendous downs, then things started to be on the upswing again. It looks like we'll be in Nevada for a while, and may even buy a house! We have jobs that are going well, Mr. Bee's mom moved up here, we have great families and friends, and happy fur kids. When I don't think about fertility, things actually seem to be going well. Even my health has been so much better (knock on wood).

When I do sit and think about everything we've been through, I'm emotional. Things have gotten so much better, but I'll get set off by little things like watching an adorable little girl dancing with her mom on America's Got Talent, or pictures of everyone's babies on Twitter. And I'm so happy for them, but I want it to be me. And I wonder if it will ever be me.

I don't have one of those situations where people suggest doing multiple IVFs because it just hasn't seemed to "stick" yet. There are odds, and sometimes you're at the wrong side of the odds. In my case, my lining doesn't grow. No amount of odds is going to help that. 

We went to a specialist in San Francisco this week. Even though I was trying to keep my expectations down, I had high hopes. I wanted so badly for him to be "The Wizard of Oz" who was able to easily fix me, or even have an answer. And really, I think he mostly just felt bad for me. In fact, he didn't even charge me for my appointment, which was incredibly generous of him.

Basically, his thought is that I don't react to treatment. Viagra is the treatment that is usually prescribed as a last-ditch effort to help grow the lining, and that didn't help. This specialist suggested trying Human Growth Hormone, as I may have an undiagnosed pituitary issue, and he's seen it work in a patient with similar symptoms to me.

It hurts to get my hopes up, when the odds are so stacked against me. It hurts to even think about trying again just because this process is so hard on me, hard on my husband, and hard on our families. I feel like a failure because I can't just get pregnant, when it's something so easy and fundamental to so many people. I want my husband to get to be a father. He'll be such a good dad and I hate that I feel like I'm robbing him of this. I want to give my parents grandkids, and I want my parents to be around to see them grow up. I want to be able to buy a house and know that the extra rooms that we pay for aren't going to be empty forever. Just thinking about going through this all again, my heart hurts so much I can't even describe the pain and longing that goes along in this process for me. In reality, I think it will all come down to pay for a surrogate, which is not something that would be feasible for us for many years.

I'm sorry for the vent - This was supposed to be a catch-up post, and not a "woe is me" post. I do have lots of good things in my life, but my ultimate dream has always been to be a mom, and it's so hard to wrestle with the fact that it might not even be in the cards for me.

I have no idea if anyone still reads this blog, but at least writing is cathartic for me.