Things are tough

First of all, I want to thank all of you for taking the time to write me on here and read my rambling. I've been really depressed about all of this, and your comments mean the world to me.

Today I had my WTF happened appointment at the clinic. My doctor sat me down and said that he and everyone else in the office were positive I would have gotten pregnant. My lining looked good, the embryos looked amazing, it was an easy transfer, and everything was perfect.

Since things didn't go well, there's a few things that he wants to check. I've never been pregnant before, so there is a chance that I have implantation failure. They will do a panel of tests to see if I have antibodies that would be killing the embryos. If this is the case, I would be put on Heparin to treat and remain on for the entire pregnancy.

There is also a chance that I have a chromosomal issue. It's a small chance, but it's still there. The way to deal with that is to run a genetic panel on me, then run a genetic panel on all of the embryos to match ones that don't have the chromosome issue and implant those.

Or, I could just be unlucky. Or it could be my underlying POTS issues and low blood pressure. There is a medical saying that when you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras. I have always been a medical zebra. In addition, Mr. Bee just started a new job, which means that even though his insurance didn't cover anything fertility-related, my insurance is even worse. I'm waiting for an estimate on getting the immune panel done, but the initial lab costs are over $3K.

I'm not going to sugar coat this - this sucks. I'm having issues seeing pregnant teens, cute families, and listening to people telling me I just need to relax, that it's God's will, to have more hope or even to get a bottle of wine and go away for the weekend. I dread opening my Google Reader and seeing pregnancy updates and cute baby photos. I know life isn't fair. I know that life is so much more unfair for other people. But this is really hard for me and for Mr. Bee. I would not wish this on anyone.