Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Hi there.

Long time no see!

I've been off the horse for a while, and I'm thinking about getting back into the rodeo. Or at least dipping my toe in the dirt. Or [fill in your own metaphor].

The past few months I've been away have been filled with tremendous downs, then things started to be on the upswing again. It looks like we'll be in Nevada for a while, and may even buy a house! We have jobs that are going well, Mr. Bee's mom moved up here, we have great families and friends, and happy fur kids. When I don't think about fertility, things actually seem to be going well. Even my health has been so much better (knock on wood).

When I do sit and think about everything we've been through, I'm emotional. Things have gotten so much better, but I'll get set off by little things like watching an adorable little girl dancing with her mom on America's Got Talent, or pictures of everyone's babies on Twitter. And I'm so happy for them, but I want it to be me. And I wonder if it will ever be me.

I don't have one of those situations where people suggest doing multiple IVFs because it just hasn't seemed to "stick" yet. There are odds, and sometimes you're at the wrong side of the odds. In my case, my lining doesn't grow. No amount of odds is going to help that. 

We went to a specialist in San Francisco this week. Even though I was trying to keep my expectations down, I had high hopes. I wanted so badly for him to be "The Wizard of Oz" who was able to easily fix me, or even have an answer. And really, I think he mostly just felt bad for me. In fact, he didn't even charge me for my appointment, which was incredibly generous of him.

Basically, his thought is that I don't react to treatment. Viagra is the treatment that is usually prescribed as a last-ditch effort to help grow the lining, and that didn't help. This specialist suggested trying Human Growth Hormone, as I may have an undiagnosed pituitary issue, and he's seen it work in a patient with similar symptoms to me.

It hurts to get my hopes up, when the odds are so stacked against me. It hurts to even think about trying again just because this process is so hard on me, hard on my husband, and hard on our families. I feel like a failure because I can't just get pregnant, when it's something so easy and fundamental to so many people. I want my husband to get to be a father. He'll be such a good dad and I hate that I feel like I'm robbing him of this. I want to give my parents grandkids, and I want my parents to be around to see them grow up. I want to be able to buy a house and know that the extra rooms that we pay for aren't going to be empty forever. Just thinking about going through this all again, my heart hurts so much I can't even describe the pain and longing that goes along in this process for me. In reality, I think it will all come down to pay for a surrogate, which is not something that would be feasible for us for many years.

I'm sorry for the vent - This was supposed to be a catch-up post, and not a "woe is me" post. I do have lots of good things in my life, but my ultimate dream has always been to be a mom, and it's so hard to wrestle with the fact that it might not even be in the cards for me.

I have no idea if anyone still reads this blog, but at least writing is cathartic for me. 

1 comment:

  1. I came by hoping to see an update, and I'm glad you've posted one. I'm sorry, though, for your heartache. I know that doesn't do a thing to make it better, but know that you're in my prayers tonight. In the last year I've learned (in painful ways) that gratitude for a wonderful life can coexist with grief or pain. You can be terribly sad and awfully thankful at the same time - it's an odd dichotomy. It sounds like that might be where you are, and I'm praying you get to see your dreams come true sooner than you think. So impressed with your grace and openness in all this. Keep us posted!