Update - 5dp5dt

I went in for my second FET last Friday and transferred two embryos. We've been on break for about a year from treatments, and this time we tried an experimental treatment called Neupogen that I asked my doctor about last year and he started using.

I had been pretty hopeful about things until I started testing yesterday at 4dp5dt and got a negative. Then I rode the roller coaster of emotions all day long and went from telling myself, "It's ok, it's still early" to, "You're going to be barren and childless your whole life". It's a fun ride, I swear.

So then I promised myself I'd wait another two days, but when I woke up today, I tested again. I blame it on a lack of sleep. 5dp5dt (which is the equivalent of about 10 days post ovulation, for those of you who don't have to know the infertility lingo) and it was still stark white. One line.

I know that people get positive tests all the time later, but after consulting with Dr. Internet, who is never wrong, it looks like today is the day the majority of the people find out that they are pregnant. In fact, those people are complaining about faint lines. I'd love a faint line just so I knew what a line looked like! I think the only time I ever saw a line was when I still had my HCG trigger and I used an cheap internet test just to see what it would look like.

So here I wait in 2ww hell, either to wait until my beta test on Monday, or jump off a roof. I had almost forgotten how devastating this whole process is. I think the other reason I feel like this is because my doctor isn't feeling very confident about treatment, and before the FET mentioned that the only other suggestions he has are to try a cycle much like going through a whole IVF cycle with Femara but without getting eggs, because that's when my lining was thickest, or get a surrogate. I thought that asking my doctor's office about surrogacy would make me feel better, but it made me feel 10 times worse. They literally said, "it's a chunk of change if you don't have a relative or friend to carry it for you," because you have to total in agency costs, legal, medication, IVF, cost to the carrier, and the cost of medical bills without insurance. In my mind I saw Scrooge McDuck with dollar signs for eyes jumping into a large pile of gold coins I don't have.

Anyway, that's where I'm at. I'd love to have some good news to report, but I'm feeling a bit hopeless right now.