Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Almost Pregnant

I hadn't hit publish on my last post because I was waiting for my beta blood test results.

Sunday night I was still getting positive pregnancy tests. I had even taken a digital test that said "PREGNANT!" Mr. Bee and I were so excited, that for a little while I even stopped worrying about my blood test. I felt pregnant. I had gotten about 5 days of positive results, and this was going to be it for us. I've never gotten a positive anything before, so we were excited, even though there were so many hurdles up ahead. 

Yesterday I had my beta HCG test and got a 7.9. My office considers anything above a 5 a positive, but from reading on the internet, my numbers should have at least been around 50. Anything even close to 20 was considered a chemical pregnancy. My doctor's office told me that the only thing that matters is that the number doubles on Wednesday, but I know that this isn't going to be it for us.

I went home and cried my face off. Mr. Bee came home early and let me be a complete mess. I called my mom who told me to keep hope, but for me it's much easier to lose hope and if something miraculous happens tomorrow, that would just be an added bonus. I have dealt with so much disappointment that it's hard to keep my head up.

Yesterday and today I've had much worse cramping than I did last week, and I am not expecting good news tomorrow. Thank you for everyone's words of encouragement and prayers, it really did help going through all of this with people knowing what was going on.

So from here, we'll probably meet with my RE again to discuss options, but it's looking more and more like surrogacy will be our only option, and who knows how long it will take to save for that (surrogacy normally costs around $100K). I feel pretty hopeless, but I know that somehow we'll eventually have kids. Even if it takes forever. 

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