Sunday, December 30, 2012

Jealousy and 2013

I made it through Christmas mostly ok. Minor breakdown, but overall had a great time with my husband and family.

The thing that got me today was finding out that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are having a baby together. Someone who is still married to another man and is famous for making a sex tape is pregnant.

I agree with this quote whole-heartedly, and in 2013, I'm going to try my hardest to stop being jealous. It's hard being at the age where everyone is starting to have kids and wanting to be so happy for everyone. Happy to get their Christmas cards and baby announcements. And I love to see them, but boy, do they tear me up inside.

I didn't really have any New Years Resolutions, but my goal is to try to stop being jealous of everyone else's families and be happy with what I do have. I know that things will work out for us eventually, they have to. It's just a long road and so many dead ends and so many tears. But I have to believe that things will work out, that we'll have our children, just not on our timeframe.

Along with it being Christmas, it's been hard thinking that around now, we'd be telling our friends and families that we were pregnant. This is a little TMI, but I was hoarding a positive pregnancy test until last night, when I had to toss it during a cleaning frenzy. And I have to mourn the fact that I will probably never have that again. That I won't be able to carry our children, and that we might not even be able to have biological children. And that hurts, so very much.

I'm praying that 2013 brings more happiness than heartache for everyone. I pray that we're able to find and afford a surrogate sometime sooner rather than later. And I'm thankful for all of you who have been supporting us through all of this. So if I don't say it enough, thank you.

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