Family Matters

So last night before bed Mr. Bee got a call from his mom, telling him that his aunt is pregnant. 

Backstory: Story on her is that she is only a few years older than Mr. Bee. She married his uncle probably 2 years before we got married. His uncle already has a 15-year-old son, and they have a four-year-old together. They're all very nice and a great couple together. 

So about two months ago, we got a call that L was pregnant. Unfortunately she had a miscarriage a few weeks later. She got pregnant again maybe not even a month after she miscarried. Of course, I'm very happy for her. Her son A is adorable, and she's a great mom. 

Flash-forward to last night after getting the call. Immediately, I feel jealous. Why does she get to be so fertile? She already has a kid and a stepson. Can she leave some babies for me? It's supposed to be my turn. Wahh Wahh Wahh.

Then there is the inevitable guilt. L is a great mom and I'm so happy that she has the opportunity to have another child. Why do I feel so guilty that she gets to have another baby when I haven't had my first?

So many infertility blogs out there are so upbeat. I hope that mine is not all whining and complaining. I try to be optimistic, but at the same time I have real feelings that I'm having to deal with.

Tonight:

Mr. Bee comes home from work. Totally upset. He said that he spent most of the day thinking about how envious he was of his uncle and how sad he is about this situation. He's in my boat! But wait, do I want him to be in my sad boat of guilt and grief? Can we request a happy boat?

I think we talked through a few things and we're trying not to freak out until we go to the RE on Thursday (could that day seem any further away?) I'm praying that we'll get good news at our appointment and can continue trying (hopefully successfully) without much intervention.

I love having a supportive husband and knowing that we can talk about our feelings and frustrations and at the end of the night everything is ok. We are a family. Right now we are only a family of us, a dog and two cats, but hopefully it will grow in the near future. 

I have so much hope. I've gone through so much with my health and I feel like I can overcome this too. I don't know why god has chosen this path for me, but maybe it really is that good things come to those who wait. I'm learning patience while waiting for the one thing I want the most.